Just call it The Midtown Miscreant Condensed Version......

You know how people are always writing those farewell posts. They babble on and on about how they have gone as far as they can, the thrill is gone, it's no longer fun, and then pledge to never again darken the door of blogdom. Hell I've even posted one of those myself. Well this isn't one of those. However, I am going to take a one to two month semi hiatus, could be less, could be a lil more. Life has a tendency to get in the way of shit at times, and this is one of those times. Believe it or not, this stuff actually takes time, at least for me. Trust me, it's very taxing trying to write angry diatribes day in and day out, with an occasional puppy saves drowning kitten story just to even things out. I suppose I could just regurgitate the news, fire off a couple of snarky titles and call it a day. But you can get that shit anywhere. For some reason I feel obligated to give you nameless faceless ingrates an explanation for my absence, probably borne on a sense of guilt and gratitude that you steal time from your employer to read me every day. Call me sentimental, just don't say it to my face. Long and ambiguous story made short, personal, family, and duty, type stuff require my time and undivided attention, so you rubes must suffer a temporary lack of edification and enlightenment. All sarcasm aside, I appreciate the loyal readership, and I'll be back up and running 5 times a week asap. Since I can't go completely silent, because the lack of attention might be more fatal than a watermelon size brain tumor, I'm not going totally off the grid. I'll continue to post a Fast Eddie Friday installment, on, um, Fridays. Use this brief absence as a chance to catch up on your work and give your boss an actual 8 hours.

***** The picture has absolutely nothing to do with this post. It just pleases me to see a fat person mowing grass while riding a Rascal. ******

WTF Wednesday.........Because stupid doesn't just happen on Tuesday.

I'm kind of partial to catchy post titles. Fast Eddie Friday, Stoopid Twosday, Manic Monday, you get the drift. As fond as I am of catchy titles, I'm even more fond of stupidity, regardless of the day of the week. Some might accuse me of needing to tear people down to build up my own self esteem, a bloggy type vampire or something. Feeding on the misfortune and poor judgement of my victims. I like to think of myself as the blogosphere equivalent of Don Rickles, scanning the audience for that perfect schmuck to bear the brunt of my ridicule. Either way, I could never pass over a good punchline.


Case in point. Two Leawood knuckleheads got lost in the Grand Canyon. They were only lost for a day, thanks to an overbearing Jewish mother of one of the hikers. Oy Vey. While most of you saps might look at this story and see two 25 year old adventurers who narrowly escaped being eaten by mountain lions, or succumbing to the elements, I see things differently. I see a Johnson county version of Harold and Kumar. Isaac Rabicoff and Michael Wu, of Leawood, were found, safe and sound at the bottom of the canyon near a spot called Royal Arch on Tuesday afternoon.
Rabicoff's mother delivers the money quote, "He didn't call Sunday, I thought maybe he got too tired and didn't call," mother Bonnie Rabicoff told KMBC. "As a Jewish mother, I didn't want him to do this. 'Why can't you go on a normal trail like normal people? You'll still see beautiful things,'" his mother said.
I like to picture these two hikers from the Metros most affluent area as two stoners, wondering around, totally out of their element, searching for a Starbucks or a Crate and Barrel outlet. Maybe they were all whacked out on Peyote, talking to Jack Rabbits and Mountain Goats. Sadly the truth is usually less fantastic. They bit off a little more than they could chew, one of them sprained an ankle. They were flown to safety. On the bright side, these two intrepid explorers will live to see a future of cutting off regular working stiffs on Johnson drive while sipping soy lattes and looking important in their Beemers.

While truth doesn't hold a candle to my version of the Grand Canyon story, sometimes the truth is better than anything I can make up. Lekiesha Jackson, 32, was arrested on suspicion of child neglect on Sunday night after police officers say that they found two young children playing outside the home in 3400 block of Montgall at 11:30 p.m. The police version goes like this. Two cops spot a couple of kids playing catch in the middle of the night. They ask them what they are doing out, and take them home. When they arrive, Mom is nowhere to be found. The cops find 6 kids ranging in age from 11 down to 1 year old. According to police, the officers followed the children back to their home, where they found four other children, ages 1 through 11, hungry, dehydrated and living in squalid conditions. Police say that the children told the officers that their mother had left two days earlier and had not returned. Sad stuff. The cops go buy 6 happy meals and wait for mom to arrive. The police report says there was no food in the house, there was animal feces on the floor, the kids were , dirty , dehydrated, and at least one was wearing an overloaded diaper. Normally this would be where I berate Lekiesha for being a shitty mother and a piss poor human being. Thankfully, she did an interview, so I'll let her speak for herself.

"I had made a run to go get my books," said Jackson. "I had homework I needed to do and turn in on Monday."

Jackson says that the allegations that the children had been staying in a filthy home was hard for her to hear.

"And you know what, I'm listening to that and I wonder how is it that my kids can go to school everyday and, if they're living like this, someone's going to see something," said Jackson. "It's not true. It's just not true.

She did the KCTV 5 interview on her front porch, even though inviting the crew to do the interview in her house could have squashed that false police report. And really, kids have no concept of time, so two days , two hours, kids can't tell the diff. And who hasn't run out to get school books at 11:30 at night? I'm sure all of us have left 6 kids, the oldest being 11, at home alone, to make a book run. seriously, what could go wrong? Ms. Jackson originally told the cops she didn't have gas money, and got stranded in the snow. The cops reported smelling a little booze on her breath as well. But you know how the cops are always targeting single moms. I think the last few lines from KCTV 5 pretty much clear things up.
Jackson claims that the entire incident has been blown out of proportion, and she says that the police are targeting her because she's a young, single mother with seven children.

"No, I don't think they had my children's best interest in mind, no I don't," said Jackson. "Because I'm my children's best interest. Because no one is going to fight for them like me. No one's going to love them like me."


Awwww, now if that doesn't give you a big Old Yeller type lump in your throat, I don't know what will. It's fine upstanding Mothers like Lekiesha Jackson who instill my faith in human kind.
stay classy Lekiesha Jackson, you just beat out a Jewish Leawood lady as the first annual
Midtown Miscreant Mother O' the Year !!!!!!!

Soup Sandwiches are on the house .......and senate.

I just canned another post on the passage of the health care bill, frankly, I was talking outside of my area of expertise. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, as far as this blogging thing goes, I'm in the business of pointing out the stupid, the inane, the retarded, and the moronic. Thanks to this great debate of the 21st century, business is boomin baby! I'm not real excited one way or the other over health care reform, for a number of reasons. I don't know what all is even in the bill, and whatever is in it now, may not be in it a week from now. The members of the house and senate are equally clueless. Obama doesn't even know what all is in this thing. So I'm gonna err on the side of Unicorns, Cotton Candy Clouds, love, peace and chicken grease. I'm going to assume that every man, woman, and child will soon be afforded the quality care that I enjoy by way of the Veterans Administration Hospital system, and we will all live in peace and harmony for 100 plus years. Of course I could be totally wrong, and this bill may be the worst piece of legislation to come down the pike in my lifetime. Either way, I doubt it's ever going to actually see fruition. States are already seeking to challenge the legality of the thing, elections will be won and lost over its passage, and you can bet your rectal thermometer, millions of angry white folks, who normally don't bother to vote, will make sure Bama is a one and done president. Right , wrong, or indifferent, the Obama administration, and the dems have pushed this thing through, using unprecedented methods for a bill of this scope. It feels less like change we can believe in, and more like bully partisanship, with a deaf ear turned toward the majority of voters.


What is undeniable in the ongoing debate and drama, ugliness, and the very worst in people has surfaced. A mob descended upon Capitol Hill. Angry middle class white folks, with a smattering of fringe, racist, lunatics, for good measure, probably did more to sway dems who were on the fence, than any pleas from their party members. No self respecting liberal wants to be seen as voting against fellow liberals and siding with groups who have members that act like a bunch of Bubbas. When the first redneck tossed out the first rebel yell of Nigger and Faggot, the battle was lost. Tea Party members can spout all of the outrage and denial they want. It doesn't matter who said it, it doesn't matter which one of them spit on Congressman Cleaver. All that matters is they were there as one voice, whatever legitimacy they hoped to achieve, was lost by one of their backwoods members, showing his inner ugliness. Consider that these rallies have drawn some real nut jobs out of the wood work. They have carried pistols and rifles to rallies, an unprecedented act prior to our first black president taking office. Consider the developments on Capitol Hill over the weekend. It's those incidents that now define the Teabaggers, like it or not. Much like the right sees Obama as the guy who was connected to Rev. Goddamn America Wright, anyone outside of the Tea Party movement will forever define them as the group of yelling ,near rabid protesters, who acted more like they were in 1950's Alabama, rather than the nations Capitol. Anyone who tells you a couple of bad apples don't spoil the whole bunch is full of shit. If I see a bad one atop the bushel, it's a pretty safe bet there are more in there somewhere.

Congress is currently enjoying a 17 percent approval rating, there are going to be lots of new faces come election time. Obamas approval ratings are dropping like a stone. The economy is in the tank. Jobs are being lost left and right. Now wasn't the time for defining a presidential legacy based on health care reform. We should have been focusing on Jobs and the Economy. I hate to say it, but not unlike George W Bush, the current president seems to have let his ego get the best of him. He pulled all his strings and favors to push this thing through, to define his place in history. Now he best hope he was right, or he will be writing books and planning his library in Chicago or Hawaii, after the next presidential election. As for me, when it all comes crashing down, when Armageddon or the Apocalypse takes place, I'll be in Amsterdam, eating a Royale with cheese, or something.

Fast Eddie Friday....Cutting off the nose to spite the face...

It's been one of those weeks where stupidity has reigned supreme. I don't even know where to begin. Lets get to it, Fast and Loose.

Note to self: If I ever become filthy rich and decide to start bangin skanks, remember Tiger, Jesse James, and John Edwards. The latest star to fall is Jesse James, of West Coast Choppers, and Mr. Sandra Bullock fame. Much like Tiger and his fleet of Ho's, there may well be a lot of stretching of the truth, and cash money motivation going on behind the scenes. I remain unmoved by the porn star chick who claims she is just devastated that Tiger pulled the wool over her eyes, right before he peed on her. If your claim to fame is Hobo Bukakke, Gang Bangs, and letting random walking viral loads violate you for cash, then you have some pretty thick skin, not to mention your Who Haa probably looks like you sat in gum. So save the tears for your next triple anal dwarf video, or something. I do find myself scratching my head however, when it comes to the choices these guys have made. Tiger chose to consort with porn stars and waffle house waitresses, John Edwards was busy knockin up a gold digger while his wife was doing chemo. And Jesse James allegedly was bumpin uglies with a woman who has a giant tattoo on her forehead.

Make no mistake all three of these guys were as wrong as a Priest at a Cub Scout Jamboree, and it really doesn't matter if they stepped out with skeezers or super models. But after looking at pics of the walking freak show JJ porked, all I can say is, Dayum. Really? I don't mind a little Ink on a woman, but when her forehead looks like it has the NY Times printed on it, I draw a line in the sand.

There is no smooth way to segue from porn stars to school closings, so I won't even attempt it. A group of parents are calling for a day of absence protest. They want students and teachers to skip school on April 5th. They apparently believe it will sway the boards decision to close almost half of the schools in the district. Let me make sure I've got this right. The KCSD went through a 5 year period where the board hired and fired 8 or 10 Superintendents. Your drop out rates were about 50 percent give or take a few points. Student test scores showed close to 2/3rds of your students were functioning well below the national average. Kids were regularly being beat down, shot at, and involved in mass brawls in the halls of the schools. There was never talk of protests or a day of absence. You lost half of your students over the course of a decade. Over 2 billion of deseg cash was pissed away, the school district is millions in the red. So your answer is to protest, possibly cost the school district a half million in federal funding, and that will somehow make things right?
The KCMO teachers union said it won't support a day of absence. It's MAP testing time and they need their kids in school and learning. And with 800 jobs on the line, it's unlikely teachers will be in a position to skip work.
At least someone is thinking clearly.

And finally, 44 nimrods were popped for DWI during a single check point in Westport on St Paddy Day. Keep in mind this is the hardest drinking day of the year in Kansas City. The check point was at 39th and SW Trafficway, home to one of those red light cameras. You don't want to spend a night in Jail dressed in a Kilt, or with green clovers painted on your face. Next time, take a cab, take the bus, designate a driver, or better yet, stay home. 2/3 of the people who puff up with celtic pride once a year, have as much Irish in them as Eddie Murphy.
That's it for this week. Have a good un, see ya Monday.

A sharp intake of breath, a crystalline second in time, that's how it ends.

By now everyone in the Metro area has seen the video. At first glance the clerk behind the counter seems to just crouch down, like he was maybe ordered to do it by the scumbag holding the pistol. The store video, like so many security camera clips is grainy, silent, and has that jerking effect. Anyone who has viewed that video knows they are watching more than a random robbery, the hooded figure, the clerk crouching down, all seem innocuous enough, even as the video is capturing a mans final moments on earth. Gurpreet Singh, 35, never had a chance. He crossed paths with someone who makes the Waldo Rapist look like a choir boy. He came across a guy that people should be banding together to help catch, because this predator isn't leaving his victims behind to work through the trauma. He is taking more than his victims sense of security. He is stealing his victims breath, he is snatching his victims life. The hooded grainy figure in the video killed Singh because he could, because it pleased him to do so. In a robbery that most likely netted less than 100 bucks, 99.99 percent of nickle and dime hoods would have taken the money and run away into the night, leaving the clerk shaken, and alive. Gurpreet Singh was unlucky enough to cross paths with that one in a million shot of bad luck. Like the man who was struck by a plane on a South Carolina beach while jogging, Singh never saw it coming, never had a chance to react.

The folks who live in that part of Kansas City have a lot to worry about, chances are the killer is from that area. He probably did his dirt, then disappeared into the maze of tract homes in one of the surrounding subdivisions. He is still out there, and whatever itch he was trying to scratch won't be satisfied for long. The take from a convenience store robbery wont buy much, it won't last long, this guy is going to need to re-up, sooner than later. The two people who helped case the place, kept watch for anyone pulling in to the parking lot, they may turn up dead next. Or it might be another square world clerk, busting his hump for 8 or 9 bucks an hour, trying to feed his family, pay his rent. The killer may decide it's time to up his game, go where the money is a little better. He probably won't end up in Waldo, it's a little hot over there for heavy set black guys, but there are dozens of areas in this city where crime isn't a common occurrence, where the registers don't get emptied out every 20 minutes or hundred dollars.


This murder is different than the all too common east side slaying. It wasn't about turf, or a drug deal gone sour. It wasn't a feud between rival gang members. The possibility of it happening again is very high, and not confined to a 4 or 5 block, graffiti tagged section of the city.
There probably wont be a 5 figure reward, although the 7 11 corporation could surely afford it. This crime for all it's horrific randomness won't catch nearly the press that the recent rapes in Waldo have gained. There won't be constant coverage, an unending reel of every minutia even remotely related to the crime itself. Let's not bullshit each other. In a city divided on racial and economic lines, this one will fall on the wrong side. This crime didn't take place in Waldo, or Lees Summit, or Prairie Village. The victim wasn't one of us, he was a brown skinned immigrant with a foreign name. It took place in a section of town that isn't much different than the areas surrounding Troost or Prospect. The houses are newer, the blight hasn't taken root as deeply, still it's a depressed area, where white faces are the minority. Bannister Mall is a gaping hole a mile to the west. White folks are becoming a rarity in the area. The media will move on quickly, they won't beat this dog to death, they'll just leave it to fend for itself, moving on to non stories about Nail salon reward funds and self defense classes.


I've never had any qualms about pointing out the reasons for crime on the city's east side. It doesn't take a crime analyst to parse through the facts, point fingers at the culprits, affix blame where it belongs. I don't buy in to the argument that east side killings are the end result of hundreds of years of disparity, poverty, and inequality. At the end of the day, people make their choices, history, sociology, and disparity never forced anyone to pick up a gun, sling dope, or spray bullets at folks in their own front yard. That said, I'd be a first rate hypocrite and a major douche bag if I failed to mention the glaring discrepancy in media coverage and the absence of public moral outrage that this senseless murder highlights. This story isn't sexy. There is no fair damsel in distress, no quiet idyllic neighborhood, no outraged citizens rising up to bring the perp to justice. There is only a grainy video, that doesn't really show everything. But if you look really hard, it's there. The flick of a wrist, a sharp intake of breath, a crystalline second frozen in time. An innocent human being, left crouching on a floor, his life spilling out through his hands, the smell of cordite and death are his final companions. We should care more than we do, but it happened over there, so we don't.

Stoopid Twosday....... Tickle me Johnny, Freckles don't make you Irish, and Not all grillz are clip on's,

Rielle Hunter, the other , other woman, in the John Edwards " Fucking Over My Cancer Riddled Wife Tour", is pissed, appalled, and sickened, over the photos that accompany her GQ article. And really who can blame her. She was bamboozled, hoodwinked, and duped. Just as she accidentally tripped, impaled herself on Johnny E's meat whistle, and somehow ended up having his Bey Bey, Hunter is really just a victim of love. While some of you pessimistic pricks might find Rielle Hunter's outrage disingenuous, after all she was being photographed in her panties, it's perfectly reasonable to believe her claims that she was told the pics were going to be candid, classy, and non sessy. Seriously, who doesn't have a few family photos of mom posing practically naked next to Kermit and Barney, or Howdy Doody, depending on your age group.

The money quote for me in Hunter's GQ interview, "I love Johnny and I love my daughter more than anything in the world, and I don't want to ever do anything to hurt them or hurt their relationship." Fair enough, and either the most delusional comment ever made, or the most stupid. Not for nothin, but posing in your panties next to a pile of stuffed toys, while trying to pull off the victim of love routine in a men's magazine interview, does not bode well for your child's future. Right, wrong, or indifferent, no kid wants to go through their formative years with a mother whose claim to fame is banging a presidential candidate, getting knocked up intentionally, and delivering a coup de grace to your lovahs terminally ill wife, by telling the world all about how much you love each other. Not to mention the kids future boyfriends will be tuggin one off to her milf mother, while hoping the apple don't fall far from the tree.


Tomorrow every white person with a single freckle will be throwing up in a gutter, getting arrested, and claiming allegiance to Sinn Fein, because it's St Paddy's Day McBitches. This will be the first St. Patricks day when I won't have to worry that some drunken band of Douche Bags wearing green plastic hats, will block my driveway, or break beer bottles in the middle of the sidewalk. Not living in Midtown does have it's advantages, I haven't seen an art school student on a home made bike, or heard a hipster nail their shoes to the wall in almost a year. I'm probably going to skip the carnage, corned beef, and mounted police breaking the feet of party goers this year. I may head to Westport in the evening to watch that other Kansas City tradition, where girls hold each others highlighted hair out of the vomit, as they gack up their green beer and dignity. Maybe I'm just showing my age, or perhaps I'm just growing more anti social, or it's possible I just can't tolerate sloppy drunks like I once could. Whatever the case may be, the last time St. Pats day held any excitement for me was when that guy got stuck scaling the side of the Hyatt back in the late 70's early 80's.


Not last or least, is this bit of stupidity coming out of Nashville. Lawyers in Nashville have worked out a settlement after a sheriff's lieutenant ripped the grill off a man's teeth at the county jail. That's right, some Bubba yanked out an inmates grill after telling him to remove the jewelry from his mouth during booking. Anthony McCoy was told to remove the jewelry from his mouth, but he said it was cemented to his teeth. But his attorney, David Raybin, says McCoy ended up spitting out blood and teeth after a sheriff's lieutenant reached into his mouth and yanked out the grill. A $95,000 settlement is scheduled to go before Nashville's Metropolitan Council on Tuesday evening. The sheriff's lieutenant was demoted and suspended. Now maybe it's just me, but when a cop starts ripping grills out of some Lil Wayne wannabees mouths, I've got to think that is a firing offense. Dudes lucky the cop didn't think he had something sequestered in his anal safe box, otherwise he might have found himself getting a colonoscopy with a night stick and a wad of double mint. While I'm no fan of the Grille, stretched earlobes, face tatts, or devil horn implants, I do hold that everyone is entitled to the inalienable right to disfigure his or her self. And all kidding aside, when the police can rip dental appliances out of peoples mouths, and still retain their job, something just ain't right.


Lastly, and not leastly, you may have noticed that my posts are coming a little less frequently. Fair warning, in the weeks and months to come, you may find that my posts will dwindle to a couple a week. I've got something in the works, but I can only offer a cryptic, vague, and ambiguous explanation for now. Also I'm highly superstitious and don't want to piss in my Post Toasties by saying too much. Suppose I was to tell you that I am about 95 percent certain I've got a book deal in the works. Not just any book deal, but a book related to one of the most horrific crimes perpetrated in this city in the last 20 years. The ink isn't close to dry, in fact there isn't any ink as of this writing, wet, dry, or otherwise. That said, this blogging thing may actually pay off. I'll fill you in on the details in the next few weeks, suffice to say, it's kind of a big deal, just like me, or something.

Fast Eddie Friday. Pull your head out of your ass, and that camera out of mine.

Grab some coffee. Go to the bathroom. Make sure your boss isn't standing over your shoulder. This is going to be a long one. So here we go , Fast and Loose.


Kansas City has once again made the big time news. And once again, it's not for anything good. School closings, enraged parents, a whole boat load of people who are all of a sudden waking up, as said boat rolls over from all the water it's taken in over the years. Lets review the facts, which aren't news to anyone in the metro who has paid any attention what so ever.


Kansas City closed 28 of 61 schools.
Enrollment has dropped from 35,000 to around half that in the last 10 years.
Enrollment is about one fourth of what it was in the 1960's.
Council lady Sharon Sanders Brooks pulled the race card on Covington, who is black by the way, along with the board members who voted with Covington, at least one of whom was also African American. Brooks said "And now the public education system is aiding and abetting in the economic demise of our school district. It is shameful and sinful." She was referring to the White Flight of the last few decades. What she failed to mention was the countless African American families who have either sent their kids to charter schools or fled to the suburbs as well. Brooks also didn't mention the 20 something Superintendents who have been fired by an incompetent, self serving school board. Or the 2 billion dollars worth of Desegregation money that was squandered on Olympic pools, bongos, and an endless legacy of wasteful spending. What she didn't mention is that less than a third of elementary-school students are reading at or above grade level, and at most schools, only 25% of the students are characterized as proficient.
That bears repeating, less than a third of elementary-school students are reading at or above grade level, and at most schools, only 25% of the students are characterized as proficient.


I find it more than a little ironic that parents have decided to stand up, along with people like Ms. Brooks, all feigning surprise and outrage, while they have allowed their school district to spiral to the dismal shape it is in today. The time for anger and outrage has passed. People should be pissed that the board members who have sat on that board for years, allowed the district to sink to it's current state. They should be pissed that their children haven't been safe, and haven't been learning for the past decade. This shit didn't happen on Covingtons watch, he's just cleaning up the mess. And you can start the clock on when he is ousted by the very board who allowed the district to reach the sad shape it's in. Because the more things change, the more they stay the same.


Aim 4 peace got 300 grand from the KCPD. They would like another 300 k please. Aim 4 peace is a group who supposedly intervenes in arguments in the urban core. They claim to have saved the city millions. Bullshit. And they claim to be preventing murders. Bullshit. A recent report found that Missouri ranks second nationally for the rate of homicides among African-Americans. Not for nothin, but if Aim was being effective, we wouldn't be ranked number 2 in the nation. KCTV 5 thinks aim 4 peace is awesome.
As does everyone on the Aim gravy train. Hey, I'm all for ex cons giving back to the community they helped destroy. But lets not bullshit ourselves. BBQ and black T shirts aren't curbing violence on the East side of town.


Last and not least, I'm sure all of you are concerned about my colon. Let me just say that the more I venture into the quagmire of Gubmint sponsored health care, the more I want to move to Amsterdam. There are worse things than calling a Quarter Pounder with cheese, a Royale with Cheese. The night prior to my colonoscopy, I drank a gallon of shit that tasted like salt water with a twist of goat bile. This stuff is called Golightly. It shouldn't be, and you do not. After about 4 hours of my ass being turned into a high pressure water cannon, I finally managed to get a few hours sleep. I arrived 30 minutes early the following day. 2 hours later we moved into the room where I would be violated with a high def camera, by a guy who spoke English that sounded like clicks and whistles. Said doctor then advised me I had been signed up for the wrong procedure. Long story short, I was instructed to make a new appointment. When I told the doc that I was under the impression that having turned 50, time was of the essence in preventing colon cancer. His response was golden, and I quote, " It doesn't matter if you do it now, or 6 months from now, even if you already have cancer". Unquote, and a great big ,What The Fuck did you Just Say?


True story, as hard as it may be to believe. So now I can look forward to drinking another gallon of the most repugnant vile concoction ever. And maybe , just maybe, I'll be going through this ordeal again in May. If not, I apparently don't need to worry about cancer, as the doc said, it doesn't really matter anyway. I realize that the V A is under staffed, overwhelmed, and that there are health care professionals who actually give a shit. They just happen to be lacking in bedside manner, efficiency, and proficient grasp of the English language.

And with that, I'll wish you all a good weekend. See you Monday.

Yea though I walk................

I Mark Smith, being of debatable sound mind and semi sound body, do make what may be my final post. Yea though I walk through the revolving doors of the V.A. Hospital, I shall fear no evil. Although the medical staff is an entirely different matter altogether. Tomorrow dear reader, may be the last for ol Dub M. While many may think having a super 8 camera attached to a rotor rooter cable with duct tape, shoved up the ass sounds like a party, I'm not one of them. But a mans gotta do, what a mans gotta do. Therefore it is with much dread and no small reluctance and trepidation that I will go for a colonoscopy tomorrow morning. Before you mock my melodramatic writing on the subject of all things V.A., keep in mind that I've been down this road, heh, about a year or so back. Granted it didn't come to fruition as I got up off the table, ass hanging out of a paper gown, and told the slightly frightened east Indian doctor and bewildered staff to back the fuck up with that thing in his hand.


Confession time. I've been married and divorced 3 times, indicted by state and federal grand juries, stabbed, shot by accident in the shin, broken both arms, one leg, lost 2 fingers, been beat up, beat down,been to more prisons and jails than I care to mention. Been shot at and missed, shit at and hit. And through it all, I managed to not run off screaming like some male figure skater with a hang nail. I've always managed to Man Up, even if I was scared shitless, I didn't let it show. But put me in a hospital, and I go soft as medicated cotton. Come at me with a medical instrument, and my reaction makes the Snuggle fabric softener Bear look like a bad ass. Before you try to reassure me how it's going to be okay, it's just a minor medical procedure, stop being such a pussy, save your breath. I ain't trying to hear it.


It's important to remember that one V A hospital infected upwards of 100 people with Hep C and HIV by using unsterile instruments during a colonoscopy. Apparently wiping them down with a baby wipe between procedures doesn't do the trick. All joking aside, the only thing I find comfort in, is the knowledge that I intend to remain fully awake, and if I suspect anything is amiss, I will put the camera man in a Kung Fu death grip, and take him with me on my way out. So in light of the major medical procedure and the trauma to follow, I probably wont be back here until Thursday. On the upside, I may finally find the remote to my TV during the procedure. I've looked everywhere else.

Fast Eddie Friday.......Hey Baby.....

Funny how we pick and choose who our hero of the week is. There is no shortage of people who believe the doofus that chased a guy through the streets of Kansas City is a hero. Or a villain, depending on who you ask. Of course I'm talking about the guy who has helped to widen the racial divide in KC, by chasing a guy he thought was the Waldo Rapist. He wasn't. I can't help but think that maybe if this clown had just stepped up, made an apology, said he was wrong, we could have put this baby to bed. As it stands, he has given credence to fears and allegations of racially charged shenanigans. People I've never heard of or seen in front of cameras when it comes to the ongoing war zone that is the east side, have latched on to this incident like pit bulls. Flames are being fanned. Let's hope things don't get out of hand. It's been decades since Kansas City has seen a riot, but the longer this Waldo Rapist soup pot boils, the better the chance it will spill over. Frankly, the media hype, the overzealous reactions of people on the web, people calling for the Rapists head, and activists calling for the chaser to be charged, the long running racial divide in this city, all make for the perfect storm. If this shit keeps up into the summer, the end result won't be good.


With the media being so preoccupied in milking the waldo story, they didn't give much time to what I believe is the best bit of news to come out of this city in a while. Royce Monroe and his wife were driving around 9th and Woodland early Thursday morning, a little before 1 AM, when they saw a toddler in a gray hoodie being led by a small dog. Monroe pulled over, his wife draped her coat over the child, they called the police and waited for them to arrive. Three year old kids wandering the streets of the city are thankfully not a common occurrence, but you have to wonder how many people might have just kept on driving, either not noticing the little guy and his dog, or worse, not really giving a rats ass.


In a world that has no shortage of bad guys, doing bad shit, to innocent people, it's easy to become jaded, to wallow in pessimism, to believe that people have taken a turn for the worse. You have to ask yourself, how fucked up are our priorities when we give round the clock incessant coverage to news that shocks the senses, yet we see only a 30 second spot over a child being rescued from a city street, in the dark of night. So consider this a break from the norm. Let's give a little credit and Props to a couple of people who cared enough to stop and help. No ulterior motive, no personal gain, hidden agenda free. They just did the right thing, because it was the right thing. Royce and his wife are heroes in my mind. It almost gives me hope that this city isn't just one piece of bad news after another.

Now, back to your regularly scheduled programming.

The mother hasn't been charged with anything, and she called the police looking for the little guy after her other kids noticed their dog on the news. I won't beat her up too bad, as I'm still in caught up in the whole Good Samaritan thing. That said, this isn't the first time a baby has been found wandering the streets of Kansas City. What was it, last summer? A child was found wandering around Linwood and Troost. There have been others, though I can't recall the specifics. Not for nothin, but if your 3 or 4 year old can walk freely out of your house in the middle of the night, you might want to re think your parenting skills. Tragic, unspeakable things happen to our most vulnerable, our young. That's no big secret. So parents, you know who you are, here is my PSA of the week.
Make sure it's as hard for your baby to get out of the house as it is for someone to get in.

Since this incident turned out okay, and to lighten the heavy gloomy mood that has covered this city in recent weeks, I leave you with the rare video posted on this blog. Not suitable for work, church, or the easily offended.

Have a safe weekend.

Cotton comes to Columbia. or...You say Hate Crime, I say Horse Shit.

So 2 white nimrods allegedly spread some cotton balls in front of MU's Gaines/Oldham Black Culture Center. People were pissed off and offended, black students, educators, some white folks too. I even received an email from a reader about the incident, questioning how cotton balls have racial connotations. More than a few people didn't get it. Of course it is a reference to Slaves picking cotton. And as I told the reader, yes I believe it's racist. It's not exactly the same as hanging a noose from a black co workers locker, or spraying racist graffiti on the front of someones house, but it's racist all the same. So I can't fault anyone who found it offensive, it's a good call and a legit grievance. But is it a Hate Crime?


Sean D. Fitzgerald, 19, and Zachary E. Tucker, 21, were arrested on suspicion of second-degree tampering. Police are pursuing the charge as a hate crime, making it a felony. Some people, white people, are upset that the charge is a felony. Frankly, I could give a shit less about the felony part. The hate crime part is what has me more than a little miffed. This case isn't about racially motivated intimidation, it's about a racially motivated shitty sense of humor. Make no mistake, these two turds, if they did it, are a couple of racists. But that's not a crime in America, if it was, half of America would be locked up right now. Lets face it, White, Black, Brown, Asian, feel free to add your own ethnicity, there is no shortage of people who dislike people of a differing complexion. And in this country, that is your right. Is it wrong headed? Absolutely. Ignorant? Sure. Racism is all of that and then some, but a crime it ain't.


Racism becomes a crime when the racist acts out in a way that is harmful to someone. Be it mentally, physically, whatever. If racially tinged attempts at humor were a crime, then Dave Chappell would be doing life, Richard Pryor would have been given the death penalty, and Eddie Murphy would have been drawn and quartered. Not that Eddie was particularly racist in his humor, but his movies were all punishable offenses.


These two ass hats were trying to be cute. They thought they were being funny. They weren't even original, this same incident was already done to death. UC of San Diego beat them by a week or two, another similar incident occurred at some other school whose name escapes me. So on top of it being not funny, it's not even original. I always assumed I was correct in my belief that a hate crime would need to have an element of harm or perceived intimidation. I was wrong. Here is the definition of a hate crime from the FBI website. "A hate crime, also known as a bias crime, is a criminal offense committed against a person, property, or society which is motivated, in whole or in part, by the offender's bias against a race, religion, disability, sexual orientation, or ethnicity/national origin." By that definition, comedians can rest easy, except Murphy, who should be arrested immediately. Seriously, have you seen Dr. Doolittle or Norbit?


I shouldn't make jokes, someone is going to take offense, but that's kind of my point. Where does the line get drawn, and who gets to draw it? While it is perfectly reasonable for anyone to voice their concern, outrage, and offended sensibilities, you can't have it both ways. If you are going to label the piss poor, racially tinged humor of two borderline retards, a hate crime, then you are going to need to go out and arrest everyone who ever used a derogatory racist term directed towards a person of a different color. Problem is, there probably will be a shortage of jurors to hear the cases, prosecutors to prosecute them, and judges to rule on them.


Most people, have at one time or another, used a derogatory word about someone of a different ethnicity. Usually in anger, and hopefully followed by regret, but let's not bullshit each other. Regardless of color, most of us have a little racist in us at some point in time, even if it's only a millisecond. But that doesn't make everyone a racist, or hate crime perp, it just makes us human, replete with the baggage heaped upon us all, generation after generation. At the end of the day, most people realize that what constitutes good and bad, can't be determined by pigmentation or the lack there of. Then there is the small underbelly of society, who really believe it can all be narrowed down to color. Not for nothin, but that isn't a mental defect confined to just white folks. mouth breathers come in all shades. If I had a dollar for every time I was called cracker or peckerwood, and some stuff in Spanish that I'm sure would have offended me, if I understood it, well I'd be a rich middle age blogger, rather than a middle age blogger who is so broke, if it cost a quarter to shit, I'd have to throw up.


Before I start to ramble, let me put this puppy to bed. MU should be ashamed. The two douche bags alleged to have spread 3 dollars worth of cotton balls should be ashamed as well. The cotton ballers, it's obvious why they should hang their heads. MU, maybe I should explain. Pushing this incident as a hate crime taints the true intent of the law. It's a slap in the face to the folks who have been terrorized, killed, beaten, and denied the basic human rights we all hold dear. Nobody should have to be afraid they will be targeted simply due to their skin color. Black men have been drug behind the pick up trucks of died in the wool hate filled crackers, a young gay man was killed and hung on a fence, people have died because someone didn't like the way they looked. Those are hate crimes. Two chuckle heads and a Walgreens bag full of cotton balls, ain't in the same ball park, it ain't even the same game. MU is simply trying to placate people so they don't turn this in to a platform for the Al Sharptons and Rev. Jacksons. They are trying to avoid the inconvenience of bad press and pissed off donors. So I suppose they have succeeded. They have also managed to taint the definition of Hate Crimes, and slighted anyone who has ever been the victim of a real one. In my mind, that is tantamount to a hate crime in and of itself.

The mark of the Beast is on this blog. Which explains the sodomy threats.

While I pride myself on walking the straight and narrow for the past 10 plus years, I still have vestiges of a criminal mind. First and foremost is my trademark pessimism concerning practically every living breathing soul on this blue marble over the age of 12. Running a close second, is my superstitious mindset. Criminals are a superstitious bunch. While former criminals such as myself may leave the old career path behind, some habits are just impossible to break. I wasn't going to post anything today, then I happened to look at my post count. Imagine my horror to find that my last post, the weekly and wildly popular, okay, mildly popular, Fast Eddie Friday, was post number 666. Normally I'm agnostic, unless I'm afraid something is wrong with me, or I find a lump on one of my balls, then I'm a washed in the blood Lutheran with Southern Baptist lineage just to round shit out. So , the number 666 just has too many implications to ignore. I could end this post right now and I'm pretty certain Beelzebub wouldn't be able to use my blog as a gateway to hell and Armageddon. But I figure since I'm already here, might as well make it worth the effort. So without further ado.

The night I was threatened with Sodomy, by a female Arkansas educator, on Facebook.


I know what you are thinking. Ol' Double M has lost his mind, and isn't Arkansas Educator an oxymoron? Rest assured I'm not losing my mind, and they do have schools in Arkansas, although I question why anyone would allow someone as crazy as an Arizona lizard on a desert highway to come in contact with their children. But let's back up, heh heh, on the sodomy talk for a sec, and clarify a couple of things. I'm not a fan of Facebook, I don't judge, but I've got better shit to do with my time than check to see how fat or better looking my old friends and flames have become. Besides they don't have facebook in the joint or cemeteries, which is where the vast majority of the people I grew up with can be found. Where you won't find them is sharing magic eggs and playing Mafia wars on facebook. Not that there is anything wrong with that.
I have left maybe a dozen messages on facebook. Normally they are either poking fun of middle aged white guys trying to look like Sam Jackson in Kanga hats, or Russian tourists taking photos on Hollywood Blvd. I did leave a couple of posts on the "Let's get this prick" Waldo Rapist site. and that ladies and gents, is how I crossed paths with some hillbilly lady who asked me how I'd like to be sodomized.


I never found out what I said that would lead her to ask such a question, but I think it was the post about the counter productivity of threatening to lynch a black guy in Arrowhead stadium. Now if I was a bigger prick, I'd post the woman's name and the school district she works for, but I'm not out to cost anyone their job, or heap ridicule upon a woman who is obviously a few teeth shy of a full set, figuratively, and perhaps literally, or vice verse. As you can imagine, and knowing I'm a sucker for morons who ask moronic questions, I rose to the bait, like a trout to a fly. I did try the subtle approach, knowing it's never a good thing to incite crazy people. I hear they are abnormally strong. So I replied that I didn't believe I'd care for it at all. Which pissed her off even further. After a little back n forth, and her calling me a weird som bitch, I mentioned her employer and she went as mute as Helen Keller. Note to self: don't post your employer on Facebook.

But the whole exchange got me thinking about how close we come to crazy people and never even realize it. From unsolved crazies like the Zodiac killer, to those who have been identified, like the guy who recently flew his plane into the side of the IRS building in Texas. People have walked by these guys, stood behind them in line at the bank, or brushed past them in some innocuous form or another right before they slipped from the tenuous grasp of sanity, into the realm of bat shit craziness. Now toss in the infinite world of the interwebs, and you have yourself some truly spooky shit to ponder late at night when you can't sleep. The anonymity the Internet affords is pretty fuckin scary if you think about it. Who knows when some anonymous commentor is going to leave the safe confines of the glowing screen, and venture out among the world to commit some crazy act.

We let our guards down, the longer we go without ever crossing paths with someone who might not have our best intentions at heart, the safer we feel. Like most really great ideas, the human race finds a way to fuck it up. The Internet is no exception. For every mommy blog, or recipe site, or save the whatever web page, there are countless fruit cakes just a snarky comment or Internet pissing match away, from going Snap, Crackle, and Pop on some unsuspecting persons ass. Luckily for me, I neither live in Arkansas, nor do I intend to visit there anytime in the foreseeable future. Besides, I managed to avoid playing the role of Ned Beatty in any prison recreations of the movie Deliverance, so I'm pretty sure a skinny lady from Arkansas won't be making me pick up the soap. That said, it's a wacky crazy mixed up world we live in, and the pretend reality of the Internet makes it that much more dangerous. So be careful who you piss off, and don't take any magic eggs from facebook strangers.