Fast Eddie Friday....the early edition.

Before one of you clowns point out that it's Thursday and my title is premature or just plain wrong, put a sock in it. Nobody is going to read this shit on a Friday before Christmas. So Santa came early, heh. Lots to cover. So here we go , fast and loose.

Pulling out early can sometimes be a good thing, at least for the person pulling out early. The party who was pulled out early on however is often left dissatisfied and feeling a bit used, with a big mess on their hands. Right now the folks in Iraq are feeling that way I imagine. This headline greeted me this morning. "A wave of bombings ripped across Baghdad on Thursday morning, killing at least 60 people and injuring more than 150 in the worst violence Iraq has seen for months. The bloodbath comes just days after American forces left the country."  Just days after the withdrawal, Iraq's fragile power-sharing government is grappling with its worst turmoil since its formation a year ago. Shiite, Sunni and Kurdish honchos are at each others throats. Start the clock on another chapter in the so called Arab spring.  Egypt Arab spring sprung a leak, and the mooslip brotherhood has the people riled up at the military. They are back in the street, raising hell, and calling for another overthrow. This time it's the Military they hate, the same military they were praising just a few months ago. We continue to stick our beaks into other folks business. Hillary Clinton is complaining about the Egyptian military beating women, yet she never uttered a fucking negative peep, when the Freedom Seekers were raping our female reporters during their previous riots.  I've said it before, and I'll say it again, " You can't reason with people who are so backward they think the Flintstones is a documentary." Millions of women and children are raped and murdered in the Congo, Darfur, and a dozen other African shit holes, yet we remain mostly mute. Toss in a few million barrels of oil and all a sudden we are the defenders of freedom.  While our POTUS pats himself on the back for bringing home the troops, shit is going from bad to worse less than a week since the last American boot left the ground. 

But fear not, there is hope and solace to be found in this fucked up soup sandwich. We can just blame it all on Bush. After all, that's been the standard line of defense for every fuck up and ill conceived plan by the current admin. So why fuck with prosperity at this point?

But you rubes don't come here for my world views. You come here for one liners, fucked up analogies, and the occasional ride through the gutters of prison stories and crimes once committed.  I think that's where I've run off the tracks. Lost my mojo. Misplaced my desire to write, Anything, the past few months.  So, beginning 2012, we are going to get back to the type of stuff that made this blog whatever the fuck it was, which is still open to debate.  In the new year look for more blight posts, crime posts, and more than a little bloviating and self promotion. 

For now go read THIS. Do it Now. 

I don't promote many sites or writers on this blog. Hell, I rarely post a link anymore. But this guy can write. I first read his Christmas Story in 2008. I've been a fan ever since. The writer suffered a near fatal heart attack recently. Thankfully he is still around. A finer writer you won't find on the internet.

See you rubes next year.
Mark Smith
Midtown Miscreant

The Duggars, the fetus, and my Aunt Dixies cat

I'm pretty sure the last time I penned a missive about the Duggars, I robbed a line from somewhere on the inner nets. Something about how the Lady Duggar had a Who Haa that must resemble the Holland Tunnel or a clown car, or something. I could go back and search through my massive archive, but this is a blog, not Dateline NBC.  If I didn't say it, I should have. Given that this is a blog, and beings this is the Internet, the following post may seem needlessly cruel, judgemental, and pointless. All of which makes it perfect Internet fodder.

By now those of you who follow this kind of non news gossipy shit already know about it, those of you who are inclined to steer clear of non news gossipy shit, most likely don't read the tripe I write in the first place, so I'm not too concerned about offending anyone, not that I ever do worry about it anyway.  Anywho, the Duggars are the freaks who have a reality show based on the fact that they keep having kids. 19 or 20 so far. I'm pretty sure they are neither catholic  or "undocumented" which pretty much are one in the same anyway. That said, just to be on the safe side, maybe that reality show Border Wars should consider setting up a checkpoint in this ladys cooch, which is probably shored up with beams and timber to keep it from collapsing in on itself, possibly trapping several miners or drug smugglers.

But I digress. The Duggar baby factory had a glitch on the assembly line, and she miscarried. I'm not sure what went wrong, but i suspect the conveyor belt broke and trapped the lil guy, or it's quite possible he got mugged or something, since I'm certain there is at least a small village up in that thang. Hey, if I'm glib it's because anyone who is so fucked up that they would bring 20 kids into this already crowded world, are pretty much the epitome of glibness. Lets face it, even if they can afford 20 kids, eventually the reality gravy train is going to jump the tracks. Then what? I suppose with 20 kids you could move to Indochina and set up your own tennis shoe factory. But the Asians wouldn't really welcome a small herd of missionary/breeders that are so fucking white bread white they make Rick Perry look like Tupac. Point being, eventually this shit is gonna cost somebody.

So Mrs. Duggar had a miscarriage. The family decided to hold a memorial.  All semi normal so far. Then they slapped this picture on the memorial notice they sent out.

Are you kidding me? Fetus feet? Is it just me, or if you photo shop some ketchup and chicken giblets onto the photo, blow it up onto some dayglo poster board, and put God Hates Fags in sparkle letters across the top, it would look like a sign from the Phelps klan. Who in their right mind thinks it's okay, even emotionally moving, to pinch your dead fetus little feet between your thumb and pointy finger, then snap a photo, and share it with the world?

"But M M, have a heart. They lost a baby".

My aunt had a cat when I was a kid. She never got the cat fixed, which may not even have been an option back in the dark ages of my childhood. This cat would drop a litter and in the coming weeks that litter would get smaller and smaller until there was like one or two kittens left. My Aunt didn't have a clue where the fuck the kittens were going, and when I asked her about it she told me they went to live in heaven with Jesus and all the missing kitties that came before them. Turns out momma cat was eating them. Maybe there was something wrong with the kittens, or maybe there was something wrong with momma kitty, or maybe they tasted like chicken. Who knows. My point is, the momma cat clearly didn't have any emotional attachment to these kittays, else she wouldn't have eaten the little furballs. 

All of which brings us full circle to the Duggars. I figure at this point, the parents have the same amount of vested emotional attachment to their kids as that momma cat had to her meals on paws baby cats. These people are as crazy as a shit house rat, possibly as crazy as an Arizona road lizard. They keep spitting out more pasty kids to boost ratings, draw attention to themselves, and line their coffers. Sending out a photo of your dead fetus feet, or is Fetuses, the proper term, whatever the case, this fucked up repugnant display is just another ploy for ratings or attention, by quite possibly the most deranged two human beings in the world. Ever.

Happy Hannukah bitches.

A heartfelt holiday message from me to you...........

When I was a kid there was nothing more anticipated than  Christmas. That first bike, a maroon Western Flyer, high handlebars, banana seat, chrome fenders. I remember waking my mother before the first light of day, rushing into the living room, the bike gleaming next to the tree. The colored light reflecting off the chrome. That first ride in the basement parking area of the Wornall Bank. I rode that same bike for 5 or 6 years. I jumped shit with it, broke bones on it, even ran over my older sister while doing a wheelie on it. All good memories, for me anyway, for my sister, not so much. But the sweetest most vivid memory was that first morning, that first time I laid eyes on it. 45 years ago, and I remember it like it was last week. There were other memorable gifts. A Batman utility belt, when Batman was a slightly paunchy looking dude who came on TV, and the only special effects were BANG, POW, flashed across the black and white tv screen in our small living room. The Man from UNCLE pistol that looked like an innocent radio until you flipped the secret lever which turned it into a radio with a barrel and pistol grip. GI Joe frogmen. Some years there was more, some less, but every Christmas of my childhood was good. It was good because there wasn't anyone trying to Fuck... It... Up..

Jump forward 4 decades, and every douche bag with an agenda is trying to Fuck...It...Up. Much like Santa, I've got a list. My list doesn't need to be checked twice to find out who is naughty or nice. Everyone on my list, a shit list, is a dick wad, reprobate, PC shit heel, or just your average garden variety ass hat. Here's the list.

Atheists.
I'm not talking your regular run of the mill, I don't believe in God but don't feel the need to clown on anyone who does, type Atheist. Hey, I'm not exactly a believer, but I'm not buying the whole stars colliding, totally random, one in a gazillion chance, happenstance thing either. Not to mention, I don't want to be the dick whistle who spends eternity getting sodomized by some red dude with a pitchfork and goat feet, after spending my time on earth clowning on Christians. If there is a God, I'll refer him to this very post. Maybe I can get in on an exemption. Or at least get an anti sodomy rider on my one way ticket to hades. The atheists I've got a beef with are in the same vein as the mother and son whack jobs who decided to put a Santa Skeleton on a crucifix  at a courthouse in Loudoun County, Virginia. An atheist mother and her son who some reports say is christian put the display up.  Someone else took offense and knocked Santa skeleton off his cross.

Schools, government organisations, and anyone else who insists on calling a Christmas tree a holiday tree. Is it just me or does this PC horse shit seem like it's only targeted at CHRISTmas? I've yet to hear anyone demand that a Menorah be referred to as Holiday Candelabra, or that Kwanzaa should be renamed Newly made up holiday. Maybe Ramadan should be changed to "Man I need a sandwich day".  No? Too much? Have I stepped over the line and offended someone somewhere?

Here's the rub. Christmas for most people in AMERICA has become less about religiosity and more about kids getting gifts and enjoying being kids. Some Christians aren't cool with that, but that's beside the point. Christmas in the 5 decades I've been around has been a time of year when kids get to enjoy the perks of being a kid. Free from having someones ideological tripe shoved down their throats. It's about food, family, memories, helping people out, all that. But the main thing Christmas is about, here in this country, it's about those first few minutes, that kid running out to the tree, that first look of pure unadulterated joy at seeing whatever it is they have been waiting for. It's about being a kid, even for adults.

So how about we ease the fuck up and stop using every excuse under the sun to find offense in a tradition that has been around longer than the clowns who are offended by it. If you don't like Christmas, don't observe. Make up your own thing, like Festivus, or Kwanzaa, or "I don't believe in shit" day. Just don't piss in every ones Post Toasties and pretend you are offended. You aren't, you just can't stand to see anyone enjoy something that goes against your own fucked up grain.

Merry Christmas Bitches.