If I had 3.8 million buckaroonies like Rodney King did.

I was reading that Rodney King got shot last night. Seems he was standing on a street corner and somebody peppered him with birdshot. He is out of the hospital and the wounds were superficial. But that isn’t what this post is about. The story went on to say that after being shot Rodney got on his bicycle and rode it home to Rialto before calling the cops. Let me repeat He Rode His Bicycle Home To Rialto.

So I look the Kingster up on Wikipedia and find that he reached a 3.8 million dollar settlement with the city of Los Angeles for his beating by LAPD. So why is this knucklehead standing around on some corner in LA and even more importantly why is he riding a bike to get there? I’m not sure what kind of bike, maybe a 10 speed or one of those mountain bikes with matching sperm cell shaped helmet. Personally I like to envision him on one of those little 20 inch bikes like Debo in the movie Friday. But I digress.

Almost 4 million sock-a-roonies aint what it used to be but its still a lot of scratch. So I’ve got to assume that Rodney pissed away a whole lot of money if his mode of transport is a bike. I’ve got a couple of scenarios in my head. The first being how he managed to go from instant millionaire to Broke Dick Bike Guy.

I imagine the lawyers got a nice slice. Family peeled him for a piece. He did start a rap label which apparently never produced a Fiddy or Puffy, not even a Stymie or a Squiggy. I’m sure he bought a house or condo. Still one would think he would have a set of wheels and the sense to avoid places where you can get shot standing on a corner. So that’s my completely fact free based account of what happened to his money.

The second scenario involves what I would do if I had 3.8 million dead presidents. I made a list.

1. I would leave town immediately, otherwise relatives that I never see would be on me like a cheap suit.

2. I would change my name, something kitschy and 80's Porn Star-ish like Lance Rockwood or Dick Bentsome.

3. I seem to recall that Bruce Willis and Demi Moore bought a town about 10 years ago. I would like to buy my own town. Of course I wouldn’t want to blow my whole bankroll, so I would look for something around a million or so. Probably wouldn’t be much of a town, more like an unincorporated burg or run down trailer park. I would evict everyone anyway so it wouldn’t matter.

4. I assure you I would not be like those people you see that win the lottery and keep working. I would never work again.

5. I would declare my town a sovereign nation unto itself and crown myself King.

6. I would make that wacky Sultan of Brunei and his equally crazy brother look like a couple of Quakers. People give you a wide bearth if they think you are crazy.

7. I'd get Max the yorkie his own harem of poodles, short ones, and I would hire him his own butler.

In no time at all I would have pissed away every penny and ended up back here in midtown, working some meaningless job and no better off than I started. Which leads me to draw the following conclusion.

Some people aren’t meant to have much money. They just piss it away having fun and being a complete moron. Rodney and I fall in that category. But you can bet your ass I won't be getting shot standing on some corner. Okay, I could get shot standing on a corner around here, but if I do I will have a car to drive myself to the hospital rather than peddling home on a Huffy.