My New Gig or What the Hell is that Guy Doing in our Neighborhood?

About a month ago I started a new job. I use the term loosely because all I do is drive around different areas throughout our fair city checking cell phone and wireless signals. While I am convinced that I know this city better than 99 percent of the people I share it with, there are some places, (Leewood), that I don’t really know, and places, (Leewood), where I stick out like a black guy at a tractor pull.

Maybe its my look, which can best be described as Mister Clean meets Convicted Felon, or perhaps its the irritable scowl that is perpetually locked onto my mug from trying to decipher JOCO street maps. Whatever the case may be folks in the Burbs tend to know when you are out of bounds and don’t belong. So here are just a few observations, comments and facts I have gleaned from my recent travels.

There is not a single straight street in all of JOCO. By straight I mean directionally and not sexually. Every freakin street in JOCO seems to do some crazy curve back in the opposite direction. By the end of the day I’m so turned around I cant tell my ass from my elbow.

If you pass the same suburban woman jogger/walker more than twice she will think you are stalking her. I can tell by the nervous glance she is convinced I’m going to jump out of my car and throw her in the trunk. I’m not I assure you. For one my trunk is too full of shit to fit a body in and anyone who walks or runs daily would most likely put up too much of a struggle, causing me to run out of breath and get beat down by a pilates buffed soccer mom.

Lees Summit and Blue Springs have become carbon copies of JOCO. Again with the crazy street directions and suburbanite jogger/walker suspicious types.

I can go six hours without taking a pee break, but only one hour without coffee lest I fall asleep and inadvertently run over someone’s manicured lawn or a jogger/walker lady.

I can drive with one knee, mark a map, drink coffee and smoke simultaneously. But I’m a trained professional so don’t try this at home.

Leaves, people are obsessed with raking leaves. Except one guy on every street. As much as his neighbors rake their lawns it is futile because all of his leaves will immediately blow into the yards of his leafless hapless neighbors. I’m sure everyone on the block dislikes him immensely.

I’m happy to report that my new route/area is in KC proper!!!!! At last straight streets that actually go east/west and north/south as the good lord intended. Now my biggest worry is the occasional car jacking or police shakedown for casing neighborhoods. Its good to be home!