Prison for Dummies...chapter 3...The three questions you really want answered.

This would be a good time to dispel or confirm rumors you have heard about prison life. You are standing at the threshold preparing to embark on a long journey to a totally foreign place. It is important that you know what you are getting into. First of all, forget everything you saw on the boob tube or in movies. While some of the stuff you have watched may hold some snippets of truth, for the most part it was all bullshit and could get you in trouble.

A good example of Hollywood fiction is the story some TV or movie criminal will tell about how he established his dominance and let everyone know he was dangerous. The story goes something like this. "So I pick out the biggest meanest son of a bitch in the joint, walk up to him and hit him right in the mouth. From that day on nobody messed with me". Now that sounds really cool and Clint Eastwood-ish, it's also a really good way to get your ass beat. So drop the Sly Stallone ala Lock Up routine, otherwise someone is going to check you for selling Wolf tickets,(call your bluff), and part your head down to the pink meat, (crack your head).

There are three universal fears that every fish (new guy) shares.

1. Will I get beat up or killed?

2. Will someone try to take what little stuff I have?

3. Is somebody going to try to deflower me in the shower?

Will someone try to kill or beat me?

The short answer is maybe. You have a couple of things working in your favor. First of all, most of the people you come in contact with are hoping to get out someday. It isn't likely that they will risk losing a chance at freedom by killing you. The bad news is, that attitude doesn't extend to someone waking up on the wrong side of the bunk and stomping the cowboy shit out of you just for general principals.

There is always the possibility that a truly disturbed individual slips through the cracks and is turned loose in general population. So it is important that you learn to spot wobble heads and shufflers, and avoid them at all costs. "But MM", you say, "I don't even know what a wobble head or a shuffler is" Well shut up new guy and I will enlighten you.

A wobble head is a guy that has smoked a lot of water on the streets. Water is a street name for PCP, although more often than not it is a cigarette or joint dipped in embalming fluid, and not PCP. It is also called Sherm or butt naked, the latter term a reference to the user having an uncontrollable urge to tear their clothes off and run buck naked down the street. I have no idea why, but it's true, and really beside the point. The point is, this is some really bad shit, and it tends to make you permanently crazy. You can never tell when a wobble head might just snap and start stabbing people with a pencil. So keep an eye out for anyone whose head movements remind you of one of those little dogs that people put in their rear window, or one of those lame George Bret bobble head things they hand out at Royals games. If you see a guy coming toward you doing a Katherine Hepburn imitation with his head, give em a wide birth.

Now a shuffler is easy to spot, in fact you can find all of the shufflers in the joint migrating as one every morning and evening. They slowly emerge from each cell house twice a day. They remind you of zombies, they walk slowly, drag their feet and are possessed of a slack jawed expression. They head enmasse to the clinic twice a day to get their psyche meds. Again , you want to steer clear of folks with mental health issues , you just never know when they might lose it.

Will someone steal my shit, or just straight up rob me?

Yes if they think they can get away with it they will steal your stuff. I'm not spending anymore time on this question. It is a stupid question, you are in prison, prisons house thieves, thieves steal. So, don't ask me anymore retarded questions, okay.

And your final question and the one that troubles you the most.

Is someone going to try to fuck me?

Probably not, unless you look like this guy, in which case you might want to either check in to protective custody, or give yourself a stripper name like Mercedes or Crystal, and just call it your hustle.

The truth is that the vast majority of guys in the joint have no desire to, or intention of playing Broke Back with you. And the myth that has been perpetuated about the showers being the location of choice for sexual assault, is just that, a myth. Generally rapes occur in someones cell or in the kitchen. Don't ask me why , but the majority of shenanigans seem to take place in food service. Armed with the knowledge that the kitchen is a veritable Sodom and Gomorrah, I shouldn't need to tell you to avoid the tapioca which is served on Thursdays. Nuff said.

Well I trust I have helped to alleviate any fear or misgivings you were having concerning this whole prison thing. As the saying goes, life is what you make it, and clearly you have made a mess of it or you wouldn't be in the joint.

More to come......