There are a few random and unrelated things you need to be aware of. Knowing this stuff, is golden. Seriously, I am going to reveal little known factoids that will make your stay a little better, and when you are doing a bit, a little goes a long way.
The most popular television program among convicts is.....drum roll....The Young and the Restless. I once saw a fairly large Black guy get beat down by 4 or 5 other black guys and seriously injured in one of the TV rooms. His offense, exercising poor judgement by changing the channel and cutting Victor Newman off at mid sentence. I cannot for the life of me explain the convicted felons love of an insipid daytime soap, but anyone who has ever done a day in the joint will vouch for me on this one. In fact I still tune in to Y & R on a semi irregular basis. But it isn't the same.
There was something very surreal about sitting in a room filled with 20 or more convicts, many of whom would just as soon eat your face as look at you, yet they sit quietly and intently hanging on every word of Jack Abbott or Nicky Newman. Just don't change the channel.
Don't drink the Hooch. Jailhouse hooch has probably been around since prisons began. There are countless variations and recipes, and they all smell like vomit and rubbing alcohol. One of the more potent brews is made from tomato paste sugar and yeast, all acquired from the kitchen via the thriving prison black market. The short version of the brewing process goes something like this. Combine sugar, water, tomato paste, and yeast in a trash bag. Hide trash bag where the hacks wont find it. Wait a few days, retrieve trash bag O' booze. Strain through a T shirt, chill and serve.
The most popular television program among convicts is.....drum roll....The Young and the Restless. I once saw a fairly large Black guy get beat down by 4 or 5 other black guys and seriously injured in one of the TV rooms. His offense, exercising poor judgement by changing the channel and cutting Victor Newman off at mid sentence. I cannot for the life of me explain the convicted felons love of an insipid daytime soap, but anyone who has ever done a day in the joint will vouch for me on this one. In fact I still tune in to Y & R on a semi irregular basis. But it isn't the same.
There was something very surreal about sitting in a room filled with 20 or more convicts, many of whom would just as soon eat your face as look at you, yet they sit quietly and intently hanging on every word of Jack Abbott or Nicky Newman. Just don't change the channel.
Don't drink the Hooch. Jailhouse hooch has probably been around since prisons began. There are countless variations and recipes, and they all smell like vomit and rubbing alcohol. One of the more potent brews is made from tomato paste sugar and yeast, all acquired from the kitchen via the thriving prison black market. The short version of the brewing process goes something like this. Combine sugar, water, tomato paste, and yeast in a trash bag. Hide trash bag where the hacks wont find it. Wait a few days, retrieve trash bag O' booze. Strain through a T shirt, chill and serve.Here is what they don't tell you. It is not uncommon for the guards to find your stash, in fact it happens more often than not, now here's the kicker. The guards don't always confiscate the hooch. They do however take turns pissing in it before they put it back in it's hiding place. True story.
The 3 feet Rule. Learn it , live it. Don't crowd someone in line. You are going to spend a lot of time standing in line in prison. You stand in line to eat, to go to the commissary, sick call, mail call, line after line, it never ends. The unwritten but heavily enforced golden rule in prison is this, Don't invade someones no fly zone. Give em 3 feet. There is nothing more annoying than having some clown breath his buttermilk breath in your space. Remember if you are too far away to touch the guy in front of you, then he is too far away to hit you in your soup cooler. (mouth)
Never get caught rubber necking, no matter what might be going on only feet away. The best way to avoid problems in prison, is the same as in the free world. Mind your own business. If a fight breaks out right next to you, just casually walk away. While it is rare, innocent bystanders have caught a rubber bullet to the head, and that can kill you, or turn you in to a non drug induced Wobble head.
That's it for this installment. I want to thank International man of mystery and former Russian cosmonaut now residing in the Siberia of Kansas, Meesha V. , for the Prison for Dummies cover shot that will be the official heading photo for the rest of my prison for dummies posts. Thanks Comrade!
Even in prison, I can't imagine anybody wanting to get drunk badly enough to drink something like that. Yuck.
ReplyDeleteI do own a hat like this and sometimes wear it to work to scare my co-workers.
ReplyDeleteHilarious! Keep it coming!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Gabriel. What a great series of posts.
ReplyDeleteLOL... the part about the hooch got my attention. My late husband spent a fair amount of time in the cooler and they made theirs out of apple juice or koolaid and I don't know what else. I don't think any of the staff was bright enough to think of pissing in it if they found it.
ReplyDelete