NAQ, or Never Asked Questions.

About a month or so back, Justin Kendall, a writer with The Pitch, a local Alternative rag, approached me wanting to do a story on me and this blog. Here it is. One could argue that this is either the dumbest move I've ever made or the smartest. You be the judge, either way, it's a done deal. I've listed some Never Asked Questions that might give you some insight as to why I did it. I'll be posting a link to the story when it comes out on Wednesday, and I'll be autographing copies, on Monkey Island in Westport at 3:30 A M Christmas morning, (not really). For those of you who are afraid that this little bit of attention will turn me in to a sanctimonious, self indulgent prick, you are correct, it won't change me a bit. I would be remiss if I didn't lay a good share of the blame for all of this on The JOCO SOB, who originally inspired the Urban Blight Tour, but decided to bail out on me because he didn't want to cross the state line unarmed. If my landlord throws me out over this story, you can find me living in the JOCO SOB's lawnmower shed, I hear they have electricity and cable in their utility shed's in JOCO.

Why is your eff'd up mug on the cover of The Pitch?

Well actually, it isn't, but it will be on Christmas Eve.

Why would anyone run a story on you?

Beats the shit outta me, must be my chipper personality, or maybe it's because I'm the dancing bear/ circus act/ elephant man, of the local blogging scene.

Why would you drop your anonymity?

Frankly, it's a feeble last ditch effort to turn this blogging thing in to something more, hopefully that will pay. It's no big secret I love to write, what you don't know is that in a few weeks my income is going to fizzle out. In one of the toughest job markets in recent memory, a middle aged, former career criminal, ex con, with few marketable legit skills, is not exactly a hot property. Look at it this way; you have 70 qualified applicants for one job. 69 of them have clean records, one of them has a record as long as Shaq's inseam. Who are you going to hire? Exactly, and who can blame you. So I'm putting myself out there to see if something develops. Yeah, I know it's a long shot, but whadda ya gonna do?

I thought you did all your time in a federal joint, and other shit ain't adding up to what you wrote on this shitty blog.

Early on, I made a disclaimer that I had changed names, places, etc., in order to preserve my anonymity and to keep from getting stabbed in my face. Those things aside, I have laid it out there from day one as far as that goes. In order for the story to have some legitimacy, I had to drop the anonymity. So while I did time in federal custody, the bulk of my time was spent in Missouri and Kansas prisons with brief forays in federal custody, ending in a 6 month stay in a federal halfway house. If that answer doesn't suffice, feel free to use the Liar Liar pants on Fire counter attack.

How do you justify this obvious ploy for attention, when you so often berate others for seeking the spotlight?

Here's the skinny on how this all came to be. Justin Kendall a writer for The Pitch and reader of this blog, sent me an email wanting to talk to me about my Urban Blight Tour and some of the other stuff I've posted. We got together and he asked if I'd be open to them doing a piece on me. I went back and forth with myself and finally decided to do it for the reasons listed above. I didn't seek them out they came to me, so blow me.

Don't you think the cover shot is a little demeaning, makes you look like a clown?

First of all, I'd ease up on the clown shit if I were you. More importantly, I did it because a large part of my writing consists of pointing out and poking fun of others, if I'm going to dish it out, I should be ready to take it. I was supposed to get a dwarf dressed as an elf, or at least a couple of strippers. I didn't get either.

So now what?

Beats the shit outta me.

Did you have any preconceived notions or demands?

I told him not to make me look like a douche bag. I do a good enough job on my own.

Let me get this straight, you think some roving editor or publisher is going to discover you and give you a job or a book deal, because of an article in a local Alt rag?

Listen up chuckle head, I already said it's a long shot, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Stranger shit happens on a daily basis.

Any closing remarks?

Yeah, thanks for asking. As strange as this may sound to you L7's who are kind enough, or bored enough to read me, this blog is one of the few positive things in my life that has ever really inspired me. My writing, technically, is as fucked up as the proverbial soup sandwich. I throw commas around like bullets in an east side drive by. I use words like Superfluous and Ain't in the same sentence, in short, I'm a bit of a hack. The thing that really does it for me, is when I nail one down. When readers say things like "you made my throat close up", or, "you are a fuckin idiot", then I know I wrote something that actually meant something to someone other than me. I don't care if you are a local hack blogger or a big time writer, acknowledgement, appreciation, or passion, ignited in another person, by the writers words, is what it's all about. It's the crack in my broken car antenna, the rum in my punch, I think it's what I was born to do. Now if someone else will figure that out and put me to work doing it, all will be good. If all else fails, I'll just keep doing what I've been doing, until I can't do it anymore. Thanks for putting up with me. Keep coming back. There's no telling what dumb stunt I'll pull next.