Anarchy for Idiots.

Kansas City's generic Anarchists are at it again. Apparently one or more of the unwashed, black turtle neck and beret wearing ass clowns have defaced another of our statue/memorial thing-a-ma-bobs.. Let me just go on record and say they best cut that shit out, we take our statues serious around here. I've never understood these "pseudo rebel" types wasting their time and spray paint on a mid size Midwestern city. Then again, maybe they are just small time stink pickles in the sewer of radicals. Anarchists and other douchey types, like Critical Mass are by and large just a bunch of over privileged college twits who have no real identity independent of Daddy's bank account, or they are 30 something creepy types who pretend they are over privileged college kids, in order to crack the hemp panties of the patchouli drenched chicks 15 years their junior. I mean, what do a bunch of white middle class 20 and 30 somethings have to rebel against? It's not like they are repressed or down trodden.

These clowns annoy me on a number of levels, but Ill try to contain it to a couple or three. The latest "Act of Rebellion" was to spray paint either the Anarchy symbol, or Atom Ants logo on the Pioneer statue in penn valley park. They also wrote stop the genocide on it as well. At the risk of adopting a tough guy swagger I just want to say that Kansas City Anarchists are pussies. They are as soft as medicated cotton balls, they wouldn't bust a grape in a jelly factory, and if they did they would run from the juice. You chuckle heads are like the Bad News Bears of Anarchy. You spray painted your symbol on a Little House on The Prairie statue, WTF?

Well today is your lucky day. Normally I would just write a series of punch lines and derisive remarks, slap up a couple of pics of unkempt goof balls in tight black clothes, and call it a day. But much like Jules , "I'm in a transitional period, and I don't want to hurt ya, I wanna help". If you guys are ever going to get any credibility among the other Beret wearers of the world, you are gonna have to step up your game. Here are my suggestions to put you on the fast track to becoming A list Anarchists, or a one way ticket to Patchouli oil heaven. Either way, somebody wins!
1. Stop spray painting lame shit like Pioneer Ladies and Subdivision Entrances. I suggest you scour the city and look for signs that other folks have spray painted. If you see something that looks like Hieroglyphics in dayglo orange on the side of a building, run over there and paint your symbol over it. Then stand around like you own the place. Ignore those guys all crabbed out on the corner, they don't mind. They may spray you with automatic weapons fire, but at least you died for THE CAUSE. At the very least, deface city hall or the P&L district. That will show THE MAN you are serious.
2. Bathe, Bathe, Bathe. Lather, Rinse, and Repeat. Look, nobody is going to sympathize with you when you smell like ass, sage, and sour milk. I know it's all part of the contrived look, the dark clothes, the code names, yes I'm talking about you Dark Jackal, you to Captain Crunch. A poor fashion sense is one thing, a fear of deodorant is another. You can't be stealthy like ninjas if the cops can smell you coming. Clean it up.

3. I think you guys need to start filming your acts of revolution. Nothing says seriously crazy and not to be fucked with , like someone filming their crimes. Camcorders aren't cheap, so you may have to forgo buying those checkered Chuck Taylors and that Black Henry Rollins T shirt, but no cause is without sacrifice. And lose the bandanna masks, it reeks of the Klan, another pussy move that anarchists and Klansmen have in common, lack of balls, thus hiding the face.

4. Last and most important, Stop tearing up shit in midtown. I know as sure as I'm sitting here, ensconced in my recliner upholstered in murdered cow hide, that you punks live around here. Criminal rule number ONE, and yes you are criminals, lame ones but criminals ; Never shit where you eat. More importantly never shit where people who might put a foot in your ass eat. Midtown people love Midtown. Even our winos and crack heads will pull you up short for defacing Midtown property. In case nobody informed you numb skulls, the Bourgeois Cake and Steak crowd lives on the other side of the state line, probably in the same biege subdivision as your alcoholic fathers and Oxycodone addled, Pilate's instructor blowin, mothers. Go home and run amok, besides Kansas prisons aren't nearly as harsh as Missouri prisons, so you might escape coming out with your colon hanging out like a tail. Stay clear of Olathe, most Olathians are Missouri ex-pats with guns.

Okay, I think that just about does it. I hope I've helped. Here lately I've been taking some flack for being a negative Nelly. I'm really working on cleaning up my image, so helping you crazy kids has helped me as well. I trust my critics will give me credit for being a kinder gentler MM. If not, then the standard "Blow Me" applies.

***disclaimer*** after making patchouli wise cracks, I'm certain at least a couple of my readers will tell me they wear it. I didn't mean YOU, I'm sure it doesn't smell like sweat and black pepper on You. Who am I kidding, it really doesn't smell good.

***Double Disclaimer**** I am in no way implying that all JoCo Soccer Moms pop pills and give mouth hugs to Pilate's instructors. That was just a witty generalization. Not all Soccer moms take Pilate's.