Fast Eddie Friday....You have gone too far.

Let's talk about going too far. At least two posts this week were about people who went too far, or not, depending on your own take on it. I probably go too far on a fairly regular basis, but it keeps a few hundred asses in seats for a few minutes, and that's the whole point. So here we go, fast and loose.


You're driving along, maybe a little distracted while you are prying that shitty Rascal Flatts cd from the stereo, that your wife had cranked up to 9 when you unwittingly got in the car. So you swerve a little. Maybe you walk around with a dark cloud over your head, maybe it's just dumb luck, whatever the case, a cop spots you swerving, lights you up. The cop thinks you are faced, you swerved, you're drunk, that's how it works. So you do the drill, touch your nose , while your eyes are closed, on one leg, and while you are at it, tilt your head back, just in case your equilibrium isn't fucked up enough. Now sing Jimmy Crack Corn backwards. Let's assume you are sober. Maybe you pass the field test, maybe you don't. The cop gives you a breathalyzer, you pass. The cop isn't convinced, here's where it gets deeper. The police obtain a warrant, take you to the local hospital, chain you to a bed, draw your blood, and as the cherry on the shit sundae that is your day, they give you a catheter. That's right, they force what feels like a garden hose up your meat whistle, to obtain urine. The test comes back under the legal limit. The cop not only fails to apologize , he charges you with obstruction. Sounds like some made up urban legend, the only thing missing is a guy with a hook hand, and a Chupacabra. Well it ain't fiction, it happened to the soon to be rich, but walking funny, Jamie Lockard of Lawrenceburg Ind. I guess I don't need to explain who went to far.


We've all been there, some kid throwing a fit, squalling it's ass off, mom oblivious. You are standing in the middle of a line that's 5 deep, the kid behind you is doing his best Sam Kennison screech, and that shit is really on your last nerve. You try to distract yourself, you look at the morbidly obese woman in pink sweats in front of you, maybe try to guess her weight, the lady at the register is at least 80, she's digging for cat food coupons in her purse, and you just know she'll pay with a check which is currently sitting in her big granny purse, blank. You start to feel a little claustrophobic, and just when you think you are gonna be okay, that little kid behind you lets out a blood curdling, bratty yell. The first thing you do is jump because the little prick startled you, then a brief urge flashes through your mind, you picture yourself grabbing an Us weekly from the rack and slapping baby Satan so hard across the mug, it leaves Valarie Bertenelli's new bikini bod imprinted on his forehead. You think about doing it, but that's all. You might give the kid and mom the ol stink eye, if you are really surly you might tell her to shut the kid up, but what you aren't going to do is put your hands on either of them. For starters, it's a kid. Everyone knows kids are social retards. I know, yours are angels. My point is, you wouldn't slap a blind guy for stepping on your foot, and you aren't going to put your hand on a kid, especially someone else kid, just for being a kid. If the little one is only two, you probably aren't even gonna give it the stink eye. But this guy did.

Roger Stephens, slapped a two year old because it was crying. He warned the mother to shut it up, or"he was going to do it for her", and he did. The only thing more shocking than this first rate prick slapping a kid who still wets itself, is that he is still breathing. This was in a Walmart, surely there were witnesses. I cant believe this guy wasn't set upon by the customers and employees, taken to the cutlery section and attacked with cheap steak knives. Stephens has a puss on him even a mother would cringe at. It's also a recognizable one. I would not want to be him. Too far, doesn't even begin to describe this douche bag.

Have a safe weekend. See you Monday.