Dogs don't ride piggy back..

Most of you have heard the old joke about the kid walking through a park with his Gramps. They encounter two dogs humping, like dogs are known to do. The kid takes notice and points it out to his Gramps. The old guy explains that the dog on top has an injured leg, and the one on bottom is helping his friend to the vet. The kid replies " That's a damn shame, try to help a guy out and you get fucked every time". While that may be an inappropriate joke, especially for you malingerers who are reading this at work, the sentiment of the joke is alive and kicking. Case in point number one; A Newspaper vendor in Boston unwisely gives a panhandler a hot cup O joe instead of money, which is what said panhandler wanted. The bum then throws the hot coffee in the guys face. While the vic is screaming in pain from being scalded, the bum turned robber, rifles through his pockets. The newspaper dude goes to the hospital, while derelict coffee tosser goes to jail.


I bring this up because it reminds me of an encounter I had last week with a local beggar lady who can be found posted up at the intersection of 31st and Van Brunt. I see her there all the time, standing on the little island that separates the east and west bound lanes. Now I'm not against giving a little money to homeless people, I'm not a completely insensitive prick. That said, I don't like being played for a sucker. Last week I'm driving the girlfriend to a doctors appointment, we pull up to the intersection previously mentioned, and there she stands. She uses props sometimes, on this particular day she has a cane. I've also seen her carrying a crutch, and one time she had a walker. "Way to go MM you douche nozzle, now you are saying a cripple uses a crutch as a prop".

Easy does it imaginary voice of righteous indignation, lemme splain.

I once witnessed this hustler in beggars clothing, leave her spot and her walker, cross the street to join an equally shabby looking fellow to imbibe a sack encased adult beverage. She walked better than I do. In fact she half walked, half trotted back to her station after she took a snort. Other days I've spotted her at her corner, completely unencumbered by any kind of cripple stick. Granted she isn't exactly committing a major swindle, still it goes against my grain to get played. Back to the other day. We had the bad luck to get stopped at the light, beggar lady taps on my window, thrusts the cane out in front of her for dramatic effect, and tearfully, sans the tears, pleads for lunch money and bus fare. Had I been alone, she would have got bupkis, but my girlfriend is giving me the fish eye, while simultaneously getting all misty eyed over the cane lady.
I didn't manage to survive the last 50 years without realizing when to call and when to fold. So with a sigh of resignation I reach into my pocket, I've got a 10 spot, and a single buck. Cane lady is checking my meager bankroll, I hand her the dollar, you would think from her reaction I handed her a dog turd. She then explains to me that the bus costs more than that, and she wants to get some grub from the Mickey D's before she goes on her imaginary bus ride. My girlfriend reaches into the console, hands crazy Mary a fist full of quarters, I get the fish eye from both sides. The light changes, I tell Bagzilla to back her ass up, and speed off.


Yeah, yeah, I know, I sound all petty, miserly, and curmudgeonly. After all it's only a buck and another 3 or 4 in change, but that isn't the point. I like my bums to be honest, or at least not try to play me for Joey Lunch Meat. Times are hard, the bums don't exactly retire on the money they guilt people out of, and they most likely don't spend it on bus rides, dining out, or cat food for the pot luck hobo dinner later that night. I get the point, they have lived hard lives, they are less fortunate, homelessness is an American tragedy. Just don't try to hustle me with sob stories, fake canes, or half melted bags of M&M's, like the guys who are always pandering on the corner for some shelter/religious group. Yeah, I'm a pessimist, but you can bet your ass I'm not going to hand some guy a hot cup of coffee then act shocked when my face starts peeling off. Had I been alone, cane lady would probably have not seen a penny , let alone one of my eleven dollars. Had I broken down and given her the buck and she started to complain, I'd probably have snatched it out of her mitt, told her to go pander on the Plaza instead of 31st and Van Brunt.


Cheeseburger Jerry of Westport and Plaza infamy was one of those classic mad bums. He would ask you for money and if you gave none or not enough, he would follow you down the sidewalk, yelling and raising hell because you were a tight ass. Not for nothin, but Jerry had his clock punched a few times, although I found his shtick to be humorous. Out of towners on the other hand probably were scared shitless by the crazy sawed off bum berating them as they fled into the nearby Saks or Sharper Image. Anyone shopping at those now defunct Plaza stores probably needs to be harassed by mad bums, but that's not the point. The point is, how about some manners when you try to lighten a strangers pockets. My personal favorite bum was the guy at the top of this post. I snapped his pic last year on the corner of 39th and S W Trafficway. I also slipped him a 10 just based on his humor and level of honesty. The guy was a marketing genius. I'll guarantee you he brought in more with that sign, than all the canes, walkers, melted M&M's, and bad attitudes combined.