Got a light?... or ...Change is never good.

Anyone who is paying the slightest bit of attention is well aware that I'm kind of a dinosaur. I'm always waxing philosophic about how it was done back in the day. Parents whipped your ass with Hot wheels track or a belt, unless you were unfortunate enough to have Joan Crawford for a mother, then you got a coat hanger beat down. You could open the door for a strange woman without getting the fish eye, or a face full of pepper spray. Disgruntled wives and girlfriends took their anger out on you by keying your car , breaking it off in you in divorce court, or telling her friends you were hung like a field mouse. In the words of the worlds worst singer and most overrated song writer, times they are a changin. Contrary to what you might think, change is bad. One little change in the program, a seemingly isolated incident, reverberates through the years, like a snowball rolling down a really steep hill, shit builds momentum.

Huh? What are you babbling about now, MM?

Hang with me imaginary Italicised antagonist guy, I'll get there.

For starters, lets take disgruntled women. There is a new form of payback afloat, and it can all be traced back to little miss scissor hands, Lorena Bobbitt. You all remember Lorena, the sort of attractive women, with kind of an accent, who lopped her husbands meat whistle off and chunked it out a car window. Sure we all thought it was kind of funny, it was an isolated incident. Or so we thought. Next thing you know, women are not only trying to circumcise their other half's bait and tackle down to the pelvic bones, they start free styling. Dudes are waking up with their junk super glued to their belly button. Yes it sounds funny on paper, yes the guy was probably a douche bag, still, tampering with a mans kickstand is no laughing matter. Shit gets deeper. There is a new movement afloat, and I'm convinced it all started with one Lorena Bobbitt. And change is at the root of it.

I came across, heh, this article. A woman in Australia lit her mans prick like a candle wick, dude woke up, ran around screaming, like a human torch, setting the house on fire in the bargain. Oh, and he died too. He must have had some major cheddar, because the house fire damage came to almost a million in Kangaroo coins, or whatever passes for money in the land down under. Point is, she destroyed not only the guys junk, and his house, but she killed him in the bargain. Her response was pure gold.
"I'm a jealous wife, his penis should belong to me, I just wanted to burn his penis so it belongs to me and no one else ... I didn't mean this to happen."

What the fuck? What kind of logic is that? What could she possibly think was going to happen? When you douse an appendage in flammable liquid, it's not like you can blow it out like a birthday candle. Unless it's one of those trick candles, you blow and blow, and they never go out.

Now I know what you are thinking, it's an isolated incident, right? Wrong.
In August a Greek woman poured alcohol on a British man's genitals and set fire to them after he allegedly made sexual advances on her at a bar. The unidentified woman has been charged with causing bodily injury and endangering private property.

n 2007 a Montreal woman who poured fondue fuel on her sleeping boyfriend's genitals and set it on fire was sentenced to four years in prison .

Sure , sure, 3 incidents do not a pandemic make. But where there is smoke, there's fire, and it might be some unsuspecting dudes lil smokie. You never heard about this kind of shit until Lorena Bobbitt got the bright idea to snip her doofus husbands prick off with a pair of scissors. Next thing you know, women are running with the idea. It's no longer good enough to just hit the guy in the wallet, or key his sled. Ch....ch....ch... ch.....changes. And you know there was some serious thought process taking place. They reattached John Wayne Bobbitt's junk, so that's no good. To much like the traditional means of revenge. You can always make more money, you can get your car painted, surgeons can reattach your severed penis. I'll change the method of attack. So some disgruntled wife decides to up the ante, they start out super gluing, because as we all know, super glue will rip your skin down to the pink meat when you try to get your finger unglued from your eyelid. Just imagine what it will do to your meat whistle. As soon as they figured out how to separate flesh from super glue without peeling your junk like a banana, that form of revenge was deemed unworthy.


So some woman in Australia is sitting under a Thorn Tree, eating a Vegemite samwich, and she has an epiphany.......I'll set his dick on fire like a Tiki Torch. I shudder to think what they will come up with next. My point is, Change isn't good. It comes about when people take an already fucked up idea, and make it even more fucked up. Think I'm grasping at straws? Obama campaigned on change. I know what you are thinking. Ol double M has finally succumbed to the Alzheimer's curse those Hyde Park Hipsters put on him. He goes from some unintelligible rant about dick mutilation, and segues to the president.
I say it's not that big of a stretch. Heh x 2... Barrack was going to make sweeping change, change we could believe in. Nothing has really changed for the better, in many ways shit is worse than before.
Change.
Anyone remember New Coke?
Child proof medicine caps that you cant get off ?
Flame retardant cigarettes?
I could go on all day, but I won't. The point is, change never helps in the long run. Even when it might seem like a good change, people will keep changing it until it's far worse than the original idea. Doesn't matter if it's penis mutilation, or the political strategy of a one and done president.
Change is bad. And things only get worse the more they change. Now close your mouths, stop scratching your heads, and get back to work.