Back. Bigger. Better. More cynical than ever.

I've got about a half dozen unfinished posts just sitting drawing dust. Weighty subject matter, serious, heavy, slightly depressing, with a twist of pessimism. Just like you rubes prefer your double M served up. But I'm going to let those posts find their way to the trash bin. It's a new dawn, a new day, and I'm feeling good, or whatever. As previously threatened I've been on hiatus, which is blogger slang for burn out. But I'm back, bigger and better, or something. To be honest I was just about to pull the trigger on this thing, lets face it, you can only point out the obvious so many times until it becomes redundant and pretty fucking boring. So I've just been sitting back in the cut, waiting for something, anything, that would rejuvenate. A few days ago I crossed paths with my reason to keep pounding the worn keys on my antiquated laptop.


I was running some errands out south, and decided to take the scenic route on my way back to the house. Not so much because I prefer travelling the back roads of Kansas City, but because Max the Yorkie prefers hanging his head out the window and growling at trees as we wind our way along Blue River, through Swope, or in this instance, along Grandview road. If you aren't familiar with the area I'm talking about, it's a winding 2 lane road that runs from about 85th in south KC to Grandview. Anyway, it's about as close to the sticks as you can get and still be in the city. So we are driving along, just crossed over Bannister road, heading north down this twisting hill that bottoms out at Blue River, and that's when we encounter her. More precise, we hear her first. A blood curdling scream, " Help me, Help me, somebody help me". No exaggeration , the woman was probably a good quarter mile away, and she was screaming so loud it was like she was right next to me.


If I had hair on my neck, or my head, it would have been standing on end. Max practically jumped out the window. It sounded like someone was killing the woman who we couldn't see but could hear so clearly. Two things were going through my mind as we crested the hill that blocked her from our view. The first was, " Somebody is getting killed" followed by " Shit, there's no place to turn around". As we top the hill I see her, a middle aged black woman stands in the middle of the road, and she is screaming bloody murder, clearly terrified. It takes a second before I spot the source of her terror. Two dogs, a lab mix, and a beagle. My first thought is they must be attacking her. But they aren't, they are just standing one on each side of her, wagging their tails, no aggression, no signs of damage to the lady, no torn clothing, no blood. I stop about 20 feet away. She is looking dead at me at this point, screaming her ass off, pleading for help.


Now you might be thinking ol MM has got sugar in his tank, you probably are wondering why I didn't just get out, maybe shoo the dogs away. Better yet, why not just pull alongside the distressed woman, let her in my car, and ferry her away to safety. Here's the rub, I grew up watching The Price is Right. I've witnessed the carnage when an overly excited African American lady guessed the closest price of some Lane Furniture. I've watched the impeccably dressed Bob Barker get mauled. No way I'm letting this woman in my car. Now had these dogs been vicious, or shown signs of aggression, my conscience would have gotten the better of me, I'd have intervened. As things stood, she wasn't in any danger, besides, there could have been a couple of highwaymen waiting in the woods, ready to pounce, relieve me of my 10 year old car, the 6 bucks in change I had in the console, and the half a joint that was in my shirt pocket in case I had a glaucoma attack.


While I'm sitting there trying to figure out what if anything I should do, a newer SUV rounds the bend coming from the opposite direction. The driver is a black guy, 30 something, appeared to be an upwardly mobile professional suit type. He stops, also about 20 feet from the screaming crazy woman. and there we sit, me looking from her to him, and back to the two dogs who at this point are sitting to the right and left of this woman, heads tilted quizzically, tails wagging even as they are sitting. Upwardly mobile black dude is doing the same routine as me, looking from her, to me, to the dogs. Then it happens, one of the dogs makes his move, he licks her leg. She freaks the fuck out. Black yuppie guy is now in her sites, she runs up to the passenger side of his SUV. Unlike me, dude did not have the foresight to lock his doors. The woman yanks his door open, screaming like a banshee, and jumps in his vehicle, promptly followed by the 2 dogs.


Life is a funny thing, you just never know what kind of random shit you are going to come across. You never know where or when something life changing might occur. It's all random moments, frozen in time, forever stored in your memory, like little vignettes, your own personal short films. This was one of those moments.

The frantic screaming woman climbs into the upwardly mobile black guys SUV, the two dogs follow. For just a second, our eyes lock, his are in full panic, WTF do I do mode, mine are showing a mixture of relief and amusement. Relieved she didn't try to get in my car, amused she got in his. When the woman realized the dogs were practically in her lap, she proceeds to scream even louder, and starts climbing over this poor guy. He bails out of his car, she bails out of his car, the dogs just sit in the car, like it's time to go for a ride. At this point a white guy comes running across the lawn of one of the few houses along this stretch, calls his dogs, they jump out of the SUV, and with a final whiff of the frightened lady's leg, they trot off towards the house. I finally drive around the woman and stunned upwardly mobile dude. I watch them in my rear view mirror, woman clinging to the guy like there's no tomorrow, dudes trying his best to extricate himself and get the fuck out of Dodge.


As we continue to wind along Blue River road and eventually through Swope Park, Max with his head out the window, the wind whipping through his hair as he sniffs the air, I realize I've just been witness to something that only 2 other people and 3 dogs saw. As lame as it may sound, I was struck with a moment of clarity, a realization that what I witnessed is what makes me keep writing, for zero pay, and not nearly enough notoriety. Who was going to tell you rubes what happened at a particular moment in time, on a semi isolated stretch of road, if not me. So I'm back, hopefully, and with a little more dedication to cranking out at least a few posts a week. And it's all thanks to a hysterical woman, on an isolated stretch of road, and 2 dogs who just wanted a belly rub or a ride in some random dudes SUV.