You say Apartheid, like it's a bad thing........

Gotcha with that title, didn't I? I' m not talking about Apartheid like in South Africa. There's no Nelson Mandela. No white Dutchmen with funny names and those hats that have one side of the brim flipped up like Teddy Roosevelt.  No blood diamonds, Zebras, or anyone being decapitated by pissed off Zulus. It's not a white thang, or a black one, race doesn't even enter the equation. No friends, my vision of Apartheid is one where the world would be a better, safer, more pleasant place. If we could just separate one special group from the human herd, we could all coexist, just like those blue bumper stickers with all of the worlds religious symbols spelling out coexist,  which are usually displayed on the bumper of a 25 year old Subaru or Toyota, promise.  Fuckin Hippies.

Oh. I Have A Dream.  But let me back up for  a second, and explain where this dream was born.

All of my adult life I have had a policy of not getting friendly with my neighbors. It's more than a policy really, it's my mantra,  my religion, and while it may seem a little reclusive and curmudgeonly to most of you rubes, my self imposed standoffishness has served me well, saving me untold grief and probably saved a life or two in the process. So I was on high alert when the  dude  next door introduced himself to the Nurse and I when we moved in to our new digs here in Indy. First impressions are everything, so I always try to make myself as unapproachable as possible. The Nurse on the other hand is as friendly a person as I've ever met. She is the exact opposite of me. Where I see people through skeptical spectacles, she is all rose colored glasses and handing out benefit of the doubt passes like a Jehovah's witness hanging Watch Tower magazines on random doors.  So it came as no surprise that she thought our new neighbor was a nice guy, while I saw him as a nuisance.

Familiarity is a dangerous thing. When people think they know you, they often think that gives them a free pass to do stupid shit that might effect you in an adverse way. The douche next door is a prime example of this theory.   A few days ago I'm sitting here in my lair, drinking my morning coffee, hammering out another Pulitzer worthy post, trying to ignore the orange colored glass bowl full of goodness on the end table next to me that will rob me of my ambition and make me eat a whole box full of cereal, when it happens.  BOOM!!  Then the computer loses it's wireless connection, the TV goes black, the lights go out, the dogs jump up in the bay window and start barking.  I already know what happened and why. I know without looking that the doofus next door has just pissed in my Wheaties and fucked up an otherwise tranquil morning. I know this because he spent 10 minutes the previous morning telling me from across the fence how he has some guy from Craigslist coming to trim  a tree in his yard. I know this because he has become familiar. So I get up, walk out on to my back deck. There is a tree limb as big around as my waist laying over my now crushed, bent and fucked up fence. My power line is down, my phone line is down, the conduit ripped from the box on the side of the house.  There's my neighbor. There's some clown holding a 78 dollar green and purple chainsaw.

The conversation went something like this.
Did you lose power?
Yeah, that generally happens when you take out a power line.
I can't believe that limb fell in your direction.
It was hanging over my fence and power line. Gravity being what it is, where the fuck did you think it was going to fall?
I'll fix your fence.

I go back inside, call the P&L people, call the phone people, and say "Fuck self control", as I reach for my glaucoma preventative medicine.  The power line gets fixed in about an hour. The phone line the following day.
Next morning, I hear the chainsaw fire up. I walk out on the deck, there are the same 2 thorns in my side from the previous day about to cut another limb from the same tree. This limb also hangs over my fence.

That convo  goes something like this.

I think this one will miss your fence for sure. 
Still trying to defy gravity?
huh?
You know, if you'll tie a rope around that limb and pull it away from my fence as he cuts it, chances are it wont take out more of my shit.
Hey, that's a good idea!
You're kinda nonchallant about  other peoples shit.
That conversation ends with a long uncomfortable silence.

Here's the rub. This all could have been avoided if the guy next door thought of me as the unapproachable, surly, prick, that I pride myself on being.  When people think you might put a foot in their ass, they don't do stupid shit like smash your fence and knock out your power line. They think before they act, lest the find themselves being attacked by the recluse next door. Fear and uncertainty trumps familiar and friendly, every, single, time.

Back to my apartheid thing. I figure if we could round up every mouth breather in the nation, exile them to Idaho or Alaska, the world would be a better place for the rest of us. It ain't gonna happen. Stupid people doing stupid shit is our cross to carry. We can't put em away, we can't put em down. We just have to put up with em. I'd build a wall around the house, but then I couldn't blow all my leaves out in the street come Autumn, pissing off all the surrounding neighbors who spend countless hours raking and bagging.  I've no doubt they would complain, except the aren't too sure of me.
They aren't familiar.
I like that.
It even makes me smile a little.
I just never let them see it.