Fast Eddie Friday...Monkeying around with Hippy Chicks...

My 52nd birthday is rapidly approaching. In a couple of weeks I'll be  a decade or so away from collecting Social Security, if there is any left to collect, and if they don't change the  eligibility age to 80 or some such bullshit. I've noticed that the approaching birfday has got me all nostalgic and shit, at least in the movie reel I play in my head while driving the vast flatlands of northern Missouri. Monday through Friday with the city at my back, I drive north into the land of the Amish, run my route, and spend my time flipping the radio between Rush Limbaugh and NPR. Is it any wonder I'm all fucked up? Somewhere around Jamesport I lose reception, pop some Robert Cray or the Boss into the cd player, and allow my mind to drift.

 For some reason I usually end up back in the mid to late 1970's.  To quote Chuck Dickens "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times".  It's really a wonder that I can recall anything from that time period. I mostly just recall the myriad of Hippy Chicks I bagged. I was about as far removed from Hippiness as you could get. Don't get me twisted, if you could smoke it, snort it, or swallow it (no Seacrest), then I was all about it. Long hair aside, I  didn't look or act like a dirty hippy. I was a hood, or what passes today for a waste of flesh with no redeeming social value. Good times. I have selective recall from that time period. I prefer to remember the Sunkist skin and bra less halter tops, while trying to block out the fact that most if not all of the girls back then looked like they had the Jackson 5 in a scissor lock. They walked around with chia pets down their long hippy bell bottoms. Vaginal afros aside, hippy chicks were free and easy. Which brings me to the actual point of this post, a movie review I caught on NPR right before the reception faded to some bluegrass station and I almost sideswiped some Amish prick who treated the highway like it was the Santa Fe Trail, or some midtown douche nozzle riding his bicycle down the middle of Armour road.

The NPR bit....Back in the 70's Columbia University researcher Herbert Terrace started an experiment on a baby chimp. Long story shortish, Terrace was trying to prove that language wasn't unique to humans. More to the point, he was trying to prove that a chimp could communicate just like us. So he gets a baby chimp, moves it into a fancy Upper West Side brownstone of Terrace's former student, Stephanie LaFarge. They dressed the monkey up like a little kid and taught it sign language.

I know what you are thinking..." WTF MM? We had to read your rambling bullshit just to find a story about a monkey living in New York".  Short answer...Yes. But it gets better, or worse. The NPR bit goes on to say that the Lafarge woman breast fed the chimp. When the chimp, named Nim, reached chimp puberty, Lafarge let the chimp check her out. Now they don't come right out and say she let Nim peel her hippy panties, but they say she let him explore her. After the fun part about the chimp banging exploring the hippy, the story got all sad and shit. Nim ends up trying to eat another hippy chicks face. He also doesn't really learn language, just signs for food, play, and probably the international sign for blow me.  You can read about Nim and the fucked up hippy monkey rapists here.

About the time the radio went tits up, NPR was starting to make me sleepy and Rush was replaced by a farm report. I went back to day dreaming about what it was like to have a 30 inch waist, a full head of hair, and 15 dollar ounce weed. Which, not for nothin, wasn't all that good. Weed today is way better. Just last night after my Preventive Glaucoma Bong Hits I was playing a video game and got to thinking, As some 6 year old kid in France killed off my character while talking shit to me in Frog, I had an epiphany. What if we really only exist to amuse the Gods. Maybe they are all hanging out somewhere in the galaxy, controllers in hand, laughing their asses off while they make us do stupid shit. Like I said, weed has got alot better over the years.