Thursday, February 16, 2012

the Double M manifesto to the 14 year old troll living in our house

Most if not all of you rubes are unaware that my girlfriends 14 year old lives with us.  She has decided it's time to test the waters in the the Sea of Boundaries. I won't get into the details of her recent escapades. Suffice to say she is still as pure as the undriven snow when compared to my 14 year old, juvenile delinquent self. I'm no doctor Spock. But my love is as tough as a 2 buck steak from Aldis.  When she arrives from her hiatus from Never Never Land where no is a 4 letter word, or as she likes to call it, Dads house, she will be greeted with a pristine room and the following Manifesto. .................................................................................................

We took a picture of your room, so you can remember how everything needs to go back in it’s place, no later than 10 PM…. That’s 10 at night just in case you were wondering.

Listed below are the new and improved rules and guidelines. You are expected to follow these rules and guidelines. Failing to do so will result in your losing


Everything is defined as but not limited to the following.




X box


PS2 3. Etc.


The I POD you either lost, traded for dope, or sold. The I POD probably isn’t important since you won’t be getting another one until you pay 350.00 for the one you allegedly LOST. Should you trick someone into buying you one, it will be confiscated by management until you come clean about what happened to the last one.


Contraband is defined as anything you are not supposed to be in possession of. You can review the list above as the penalties for contraband are the same. The only difference is you loose your door and gain a dog gate if any of the following is found in your room or person.








1. Room must be clean by 10 each night.

Clean means free of juice boxes, straw wrappers, trash, etc. See the picture. No clothes floor. Etc.


No plates, candy, chips, nothing.

We are not trying to start an ant and roach farm. The NO FOOD rule will be reviewed on a monthly basis. Keep your room clean and free of trash and debris and we may relax this rule.

3. Home Work… Must be started at 530 pm. No x box, computer, TV or non existent I pod allowed after 530 until home work is done. If you do not have home work, bring a text book from one of the multitude of classes you are currently failing and we will give you home work. All home work must be viewed by one of the management team.


We get it, you’re 14. It’s a part of your DNA to act like you hate us, unless you want something. We’re okay with that, we get it. What we wont play is the tired old “ I’m a disrespectful angry nimrod game”. You are well within your constitutional rights to act all angsty, dark, and moody. You could argue it is a free speech issue that allows you to treat those who pay your way in life, as if they were here to serve you. Unfortunately, this is not a democratic household. It is a dictatorship. We don’t care about your constitutional rights. Check the news, read up on Syria. We will squash your rebellion, like so many rock throwing middle easterners. If you actually kept up on current events, you would realize just how funny that last line was.

We have bent over backwards to give you a nice home, food, an unending supply of 30 dollar black t shirts with stupid band names like “ The Bitter Sphincters or Drucillas Venereal Warts”. If children in a third world country had a tenth of the shit you have, they would either try to eat it, or trade it for a skinny goat.

You have betrayed our trust, disrespected our property, disregarded our rules, and mistaken our kindness for weakness. Those days are but a fleeting memory. You will comply with our rules and expectations, or face dire consequences. You will treat your mother with respect and show a little appreciation, rather than acting like a self entitled spoiled brat.

Do as you are told, follow your rules, and you can expect things to get back to normal in short time, once your grades have reached at least a C, no C-, a C, or higher. Buck the system, fight the power, rage against the machine, and you shall think a ton of brick hath fallen upon you.

Not Hardly Bullshittin

The Management

Mom and Mark.

PS You may get a break once a week when you go to your fathers, but I’d neither count on it or expect it. He’s got your number now as well. Your welcome.

PSS We realize the above text has made you none to pleased. Too bad. You have repeatedly pissed in your Corn Flakes, don’t blame us if they are soggy. We would prefer to be able to trust you to do the right thing at least half the time. We can’t. Until we can, until your grades are up to par, Camp Happy is closed. SHU program. 23 hour lock down. King Kong aint got shit on us.

We still love ya, just tired of the bullshit. It ends today.

Note to readers.  Thanks for your outpouring of condolences over the loss of Max. 


  1. Wow.

    All I can say is, good luck with this. Teenagers, as we know, can go either way. You really don't have any other choice, of course (unless you were especially fond of being treated poorly, which we all know better).

    Again, all the best of luck. I hope it turns out well for all 4 of you and as soon as possible.

  2. Good luck Mark.

    Into the fuckin breach...

  3. I bought my 14 year old a white on white VW cabrio and parked it in the garage. Everytime things got out of sorts, I just opened the door to the garage and said I guess it's time to post that ad on Craigs list. Grades improved, attitude got better, we traded the VW for a hippy volvo with which she t-boned a hyundai, she now live in chicago and rides the L. Just have something she really wants as a bribe, at this point its all how you treated her as a 2 year old, disiplined then diiplined now.

  4. Break her plate!!

  5. Boy, I can see the head lines in years to come about mom's lover from hell.

  6. Maniak ProductionsFriday, February 17, 2012

    I love children.

    They taste like dolphin.

  7. MY Moms always said that "children are god's way of making us hunmble", and having 6, I don't disagree.

    I think you're straight-ahead with the taking shit idea. Mine don't have any video games of like that, but I can always repo their computers!

    We've got one advantage over you...the 5 younger kids watched me beat the living shit out of their oldest brother on a daily basis, and throw him out of the house as soon as he turned 17.

    P.S. He's 24 now, with a 7 y.o. girl of his own, owns his own house, works with me, and we get along just fine.

    Dan / Chicago

  8. I think my 14 year old granddaughter must have a clone living in Missouri. Camp Happy was recently closed here in Kansas too. Facebook was just shut down and Apple has lost a customer.

    Peace be with you ... lol

  9. Keep it up Midtown. This too will pass, but it will take a few years.
    There is nothing dumber than a 14 year old girl, but they eventually do get smarter.
    Discipline her with love and thoughtfulness.
    It will eventually pay off. I know. We had one, and we did not even deserve it.

  10. I forwarded your post to my friend who has a 16 year old in Omaha...she will be able to sympathize.

  11. Mark,atleast your in a relationship with a woman where you have a say over what
    Little precious can and can't do.that's a good thing.

  12. I am glad I don't have anything like this to deal with ....yet :-) but the way it looks so far I might dodge the teenager bullet altogether