I had a guy walk up to my car door as I was parking yesterday. Tall black guy, I mean tall, 6. 5 at least. I was parking in front of a friends apartment on main across from Jardine's Jazz joint just north of the plaza. Now the guy is on the opposite side of main st. when he sees me parking, and makes a bee line straight for me. We have a short exchange which goes something like this.
Tall Black Guy: "Excuse me sir, how would you like to do a good deed for today?"
MM : "What's that ?"
TBG: I just got in town from blah blah blah blah. I'm trying to get 22 bucks so I can go to the homeless shelter. Blah blah, bullshit blah blah".
MM : I'm tapped, cant help ya."
TBG : Oh, it's because I'm Black, I get it".
MM : "No, it's got nothing to do with......"
The tall black guy turns and walks off before I can finish my sentence, which would have been something like, "no, because you are a dick head". TBG makes a bright red beeline for an old well heeled couple who are walking out of Jardine's.
And like Paul Harvey was want to say, Now for the rest of the story......................
When this guy walked up to the car, the first thing I noticed was his outfit. It was obviously a Harold Penners short set. Bright fucking red with some kind of black and yellow pattern running throughout the shorts and shirt, bright red ass shoes and red mid calf dress socks. Most local white folks have no idea what in the hell I'm talking about, so let me enlighten you. Harold Penners Mens store has been around since I was a pup. Along with the long gone Flagg Brothers shoes , Harold Penners has been an inner city staple for people who have limited funds and poor fashion sense. HP is also a store that has 99.999 percent African American customer base. You can buy a Lavender suit, Lavender godfather hat and lavender shoes, and trust me people actually buy them.
Drive up to any inner city African American church on a Sunday and you will see two basic clothing styles. You will see Black men dressed in really good suits, classy and stylish, might be the only suit they own, but it will look good. You might not notice the really well dressed guys, because the guys wearing the peacock colored Harold Penner ensemble will distract you. Harold Penner suits are usually good for about a dozen dry cleanings before the threads start to unravel. If you drop a tiny spark from a cigarette on a Harold Penner outfit, you run the risk of spontaneous combustion.
Back to Tall Black Guy. I knew instantly that this guy was wearing a Harold Penner short ensemble, so I knew his long convoluted tale of travelling here was pure unadulterated bullshit. It doesn't take Nancy Drew to figure out that you don't need 22 bucks to buy your way in to the city mission. Another thing I've yet to mention is that the TBG was eating a sandwich while he was talking to me, bits of it flying out of his mouth and entering my 3 foot personal no fly zone.
If TBG wasn't spending all his ducats on gaudy 3 for 50.00 short sets, he might have had the money he was needing to get his drink on. Not that I think the guy will read this, but as a public service , cause that's how I roll, here are a few tips if you want to peel MM for a buck or two.
1. Wear at least two sets of clothes. Nothing says homeless like layers, baby.
2. Get a fucking sign already. Any good street front business needs a sign. Will work for food. God Bless. Homeless Vet. Anything will do.
3. Get a dog. I'm a sucker for the mixed breed dog sitting next to the homeless guy at a curb. I've been known to circle back with a sack of food for homeless guy and dog.
4. Loose the fuckin attitude. The closest to change you will get off of me will be my two cents, telling you to piss up a rope.
5. Don't look too clean. Tall black Guy was clean. No dirt smudges or dishevelled hair. In fact this guy had finger waves in his hair that made me seasick.
6. Look needy.
Kansas City has a long standing love hate relationship with it's homeless, and pseudo homeless. From the skateboard riding dreadlocks wearing vagrants that inhabit Monkey Island at Westport and Broadway, to cheeseburger eating , homeowner Westport Jerry, who long ago moved his hustle of berating and harassing people to the well heeled Plaza Crowd. So it's nothing new to get pinched for a handout. I don't mind, and I give if I feel like it. But what really pisses me off is a bum who wont put a little effort in to his hustle, like the Tall Black Guy in the Harold Penner short set. Have a little pride in your work, even if your work is being a bum.
