Is that a deer in your Nativity Scene, or are you just trying to offend me?

I don't subscribe to political correctness, big shocker I know. Look, it doesn't take a giant brain to know when you are being rude, insensitive, or an all around douche bag. Sure there are some unintentional slights that might slip by us simply out of ignorance regarding particular customs etc. That being said, common sense and politeness are normally enough to get by on. So when I see idiots like this "Parent" raising a stink over Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, I can't help but comment, political correctness and sensitivity can blow me.

"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was almost grounded at Murrayville Elementary School this week after a parent complained about the classic Christmas song’s inclusion in her daughter’s upcoming kindergarten concert. The objecting parent was upset about the words “Christmas” and “Santa” in the song, feeling that they carried religious overtones."

This heart warming story comes by way of Murrayville North Carolina. I don't even know where to start. The objecting mother, who is Jewish had this to say,"“I don’t mind Christmas or anything Christmas-related at all, so long as you’re not imposing it on my child” She was also trying to get a Hanukkah song added to the program, pot let me introduce you to kettle. First of all Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is not a religious icon. Having come from a long line of Southern Baptist's, Appalachian Snake Handlers and Lutherans, I can say with certainty that Rudolph and Santa can't be found in scripture. Jesus didn't ride in to Bethlehem on a sled pulled by reindeer. I need to back track here, there really aren't any snake handlers in my family, unless you count my gay cousin, Leonard, not that there is anything wrong with that. I would worry about insulting my 2 gay readers with that last line, but the Gheys by and large have a sense of humor and don't easily offend, unlike some Jewish mothers from North Carolina.

Christmas is not a religious holiday. Now that will surely offend someone, but it's true. We don't even know if Jesus was born around Christmas, some say it was August, or it never happened at all, and for you Atheists, don't even start with me. I'm Agnostic, so I hedge my bets. Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, whatever holiday you observe is just a commercialized over hyped excuse to spend more money on more crap. It's a time for children, and young at heart types to give and receive. Your faith, whatever it may be, is a personal thing, that I would assume you practice on a daily basis, regardless of the month. Trying to equate an antiquated poorly animated cartoon from the 60's to Christianity is , excuse me here, FUCKIN RETARDED !

What we have here is some moron who is insecure over her own beliefs, and possessing a paranoid certainty that she is being persecuted by having Rudy and Santa shoved down her throat, or up her overly tight ass. Maybe she thinks her kid is going to come home snuff out the Hanukkah candles, hang a crucifix on the wall and go in to full blown stigmata mode. The kid is in kindergarten, kids at that age believe in all sorts of shit that makes no sense to adults. It's like when the Christian Fundies got their prayer cloths in a bunch over the teletubbies. The one with the triangle was clearly ghey, children who watched the teletubbies were in danger of jumping the fence. Last I heard there weren't hoards of 5 year olds displaying Judy Garland posters in their overly tidy bedrooms, listening to Bette Midler albums and watching Broke Back Mountain over and over.

Which brings me to my point.

This lady isn't alone in her pursuit to be offended at the least provocation. People go out of their way to be offended or threatened. The most benign, innocent of things can set someone off, they sue, they protest, they march, the piss and moan, they rain on parades and shit in nests. If it isn't a cartoon character, it's a holiday, or any number of things that most of us never give a moments thought. Here's an example, the Iraqi guy who chunked a pair of oxfords at our buffoon of a president. Now keep in mind that shoe chunkin, striking, or slapping is like a supreme insult, it's the same as spitting in someones face. If we as Americans reacted in kind, Iraq would be a giant empty bowl of sand right now. This incident occurred in a region of the world where stoning a woman for back sass is acceptable. So mass extermination would have been totally acceptable under their line of thinking. But here, in this country, we see the humor in it. Who didn't think it was funny? By the way, W has some quick reflexes. My point is, people need to lighten up. Stop going out of your way to be offended, or to find some threat to your faith and beliefs. If you really believe what you subscribe to, then no mere onslaught of puppets or actors in fuzzy suits is going to shake your faith, or the values you instill in your children. Maybe it's okay to let kids be kids without heaping our own insecurities and self righteous indignation on them.

I apologize if I didn't offend any particular group. It certainly isn't my intention to leave anyone out. In this day and age, one can ever be too careful, and God, or not, knows I don't want anyone to feel like they are left out. So feel free to let me know if I've offended you by not singling you out. I've got a whole repertoire of "Your Momma" jokes, and I'm not afraid to use them.

A Fireside Midtown Miscreant Christmas Story....Chapter One

I'm doing something different this week. Things have been a little gloomy round this blog lately. In keeping with the spirit of the Holidays I have decided to write a nice uplifting Christmas story. Four parts, starting today and ending Thursday. I may or may not post other stuff. I apologize in advance for the overly long format, like you I can't stand a long winded blogger, unless it's me. As always feel free to leave critical commentary, reader input and comments are always (never) appreciated. So here we go, chapter one.
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Delray Purdy was a first rate prick. He was also the manager at the Dairy Queen in Ardmore Oklahoma, where Chris worked the Flame broiling grill . Ardmore was one of those Oklahoma towns that had a plethora of red dirt, and an over abundance of rednecks. Chris's first summer in Ardmore it had been hotter than a half fucked coon hound in a forest fire. Chris wasn't accustomed to the oppressive heat and humidity that came with that first summer in Oklahoma, he was from up north. Thankfully it was mid December and heat was only an issue when he was flipping burgers on the grill at DQ, or when Delray was riding his ass for dripping VO 5 off his forehead and on to the flame broiled burgers.


Another little factoid about Ardmore, it was the shitty town of choice for low to mid level stool pigeons entering the federal witness protection program. It wasn't the stoolies choice, rather the feds. Chris was one of the aforementioned witnesses needing protection. His case never made the 6 O'clock news, you never read about it in the paper, it was swept under the rug by the Government. This is his story, and it will change everything you ever thought you knew about Christmas.

Chris's last name was Kringle, yes that Chris Kringle. Contrary to the standard Santa legend, Chris was neither old nor jolly, in fact he was a perpetual 43 years old and clinically depressed. He wasn't fat, he didn't posses rosy cheeks, and he had never owned a single red item of clothing in his life. He was tall and painfully thin, his complexion was pasty, his hair was dark, thinning and swept back tight on his skull with generous amounts of Alberto VO 5. He wore jeans and t shirts, the jeans were always blue, the shirts white or black. Yeah, I know what you might be thinking, I'm yankin your chain, Santa is a fat old guy who lives in the north pole, but it ain't so. The whole Jolly Santa thing was just a bait and switch scam invented by a secret society of retailers and pine tree farmers.

The truth is Chris couldn't recall ever having a childhood, or parents, or being a teenager. He was only aware of one year after another, always the same, never growing older. He had long given up on trying to figure it all out. He had once had a short philosophical discussion over this matter with one of his elves, Roscoe. Roscoe the elf, was a former UAW member, almost as big a prick as Chris's present day employer, Delray Purdy. Roscoe ran the toy shop, was the local elves union shop steward, and a quart a day drinker of Fightin Cock bourbon. When Chris had explained to Roscoe that he had no recollection of his roots, or his people, Roscoe had been less than sympathetic. "Listen up white boy (Roscoe was a dark elf, originally from Detroit, hence the white boy bit), What the fuck do you care where you came from?" Believe me, if I could switch places with your pasty cracker ass I'd do it in a heartbeat" snarled Roscoe. "You think you have it bad, try being a black man and a dwarf" I've spent my entire adulthood at ass and crotch level, fuckin Gary Coleman is like Shaq compared to me. Throw in these pointed ears and fucked up 4 toed furry feet, I might as well have a sign taped to my over sized head that says derision depository." Chris figured Roscoe had a point, so he never brought it up again, and he stopped trying to figure it all out, it just was the way it was. Whadda ya gonna do.

All of this and more was running through Chris's head as he sweated over the grill, while listening to Delray bitch at the girl who worked the drive through window about handing out too many ketchup packets and napkins. . Her name was Cora Fay, for some reason she went by Cody. Women had been scarce as hens teeth on the north pole. There was no Mrs. Santa, she had left years before Chris did, ran off with three of the elves, and a couple of reindeer. Last Chris heard they were all working a live sex show in Tijuana. But Cody, now she was a different story. She and Chris had been an item for the past 6 months ever since he started working at the DQ. Cody was a stand by your man type gal, she had said as much on more than a few occasions. Chris had been trying to make a clean break from her for the last few months, but she wasn't having it.

When Chris first laid eyes on Cody, she had looked different, better, sexy, in a bang her head into the headboard of the motel 6, kind of way. Now she just seemed haggard, always nagging, and she had stopped shaving everywhere, including , down there, right after she moved in to Chris's trailer. The first time Chris had got a look at Cora's business, it had been shaved as slick as the bottoms of his feet. She reminded him of a naked Barbi, only she had nipples and looked like she had sat in bubblegum. Things had changed, the last time he had seen her come out of the shower it looked like she had Lamont from Sanford and Son in a scissor lock, he had never seen so much hair. He wanted her , her cats, and teenage kids out of his place, but Cody just ignored him, and turned up the Tammy Wynette whenever he told her to get out.

So how did Chris Kringle, end up in the Oklahoma panhandle, flippin burgers at DQ, as a protected govt. rat? Good question, and we will get there, all in due time.

To be continued............................................