I'm a slow learner, I always have been. The things that most of us are supposed to figure out in our teens, I finally caught on to in my 30's, or 40's depending on what we are talking about. However, there is one cornerstone in the building blocks of life that I discovered at an early age, it's my mantra, I use it daily; "Never let your mouth write a check your ass can't cash". Now most people familiar with that phrase take it to mean don't run your mouth unless you are prepared to back it up , probably in a fight. I extend the context to cover all aspects of my life, especially when it comes to resolutions. I know my limits, my weaknesses, and my short comings. So to make sure I don't bounce any of those checks my ass might write, here is my New Year list of things I wont be changing.
I won't be cleaning up my language, not on this blog, in the grocery story or at church. If my coarse language is offensive then you should probably take your Polly Purebred ass to another site. I write like I talk, just ask anyone who has had the displeasure of talking to me. I try not to shout out a whole bunch of Mother Fuckers in the produce isle at the Westport Sunfresh, so if you hear me, you are standing way to close. I only enter churches for funerals, so for the most part they are safe, unless the newly dead about to be buried person happened to be a douche.
The chance that I will be more tolerant of those who annoy me is zero. Tolerance will drive you to an early grave. In fact allow me to close the old year out with one final act of intolerance. I'm pretty sure my overhead neighbors have stumbled across this blog. When your face is peering out of red Pitch boxes all over midtown, and your neighbors are newly transplanted yokels/pseudo hipsters, chances are the jig is up. So if you fuck heads are reading this, just knock 3 times on the ceiling, and plan on continuously slamming shit around and blaring Transformers the movie on your surround sound, be prepared to spend an inordinate amount of time in the dark. He who controls the fuse boxes rules the roost. I ain't hardly bullshittin either.
I wont be giving up the Marlboros or the Hippy Lettuce any time soon. I know one will possibly kill me, and the other will rob me of my short term memory and lower my sperm count. What I don't want to be is one of those guys that eats tofu, runs 5 miles a day, only to drop dead of a heart attack. As for the hippy lettuce, I had a really good reason for not giving up the weed, unfortunately I forgot what it was.
I won't start considering the glass half full rather than half empty. If you burst in to flames, do you want someone to throw a full glass of water on you, or a half full glass? Imagine you are running around, flames jumping off of you and some asshole comes running up with a half glass of water, when a full glass is required. Trust me, you will consider the glass half empty.
I wont embrace change. Clearly I am set in my ways, let's not blow smoke up each others ass. For better or worse, like Popeye, I am what I am.
I won't ignore the occasional wise ass commenter. I know it's childish to respond to negative comments on this blog. I also know that I will always take the opportunity to be a bigger smart ass than the offending party. I can't help it. Like a trout rising to snatch the lure, putting some Internet retard in check through verbal humiliation pleases me immensely. Besides, how often do you get the chance to tell someone their "momma has a wooden leg with a kickstand, and her name is Ileane, or Lena"?
I won't stop treating my dogs like people. I could give a shit what The Dog Whisperer or anyone else has to say about it.
By now you have figured out the general theme of this post. When Dick drops his single ball in Times square and the nation rings in the New Year, there is one thing you can count on, one unchanging constant in a world fraught with turmoil and uncertainty. When the sun rises, your head is pounding from all the booze you sucked down while making a complete ass of yourself, one thing will be the same, unchanged by time, unlike your 401k. I will still be the same guy, a first rate prick and all around displeasure to be around. Hopefully every now and again I will get something right, make you think, piss you off, cause you to chuckle, chortle, or guffaw. As much as it pains me to admit it, I really enjoy doing this, and I couldn't do it if you didn't take time out of your day to read it. So thanks for that, keep coming back, I'll do my best to not disappoint. Have a safe New Year, I don't need to lose any readers over a drunk driving accident, I hate seeing my stats drop, even by one reader.
***non disclaimer*** If you haven't figured out by now when I'm being serious or just being a knuckle head, congratualations, you are a bigger idiot than I am.
