Tis the season.................Again.....Already.

Okay I realize that the holidays are all about family, kindness, caring and commercialism. I get it already. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve already got my four foot tall, pink aluminum trailer park tree sitting on the giant empty gift wrapped box in the living room. And I will be hanging the dogs stockings any day now. I like the cold weather and the lights and all the hoopla, really I do. But along with the "Its a Wonderful Life" vibe, comes something I dread..........Family get togethers.

Frankly I would rather put my balls in one of those breast clamp x-ray things that they use for breast exams, than sit through one more Turkey Day Debacle at the folks house.I feel like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day at those get togethers. I could make more accurate predictions about THAT day than Sylvia Brown, Carnack, and Nostradamus all put together. Its gonna go something like this.

I arrive at 1 pm on the assumption that we will eat at 2 pm and I can leave ASAP at the conclusion of dinner. But dinner wont be ready for another 2 hours due to my two sisters trying to out do one another as ring leader and shot caller. Pops will be 3 fingers into a bottle of Makers Mark, Stepmother will be busting his plums for drinking which in turn will force him to show her and hit it even harder.

There will be hoards of ill behaved nieces and nephews making too much noise and going about the business of being as annoying as humanly possible. The dog will be freaked out by the little angels and require multiple trips outside. I use these trips to smoke copious amounts of weed which acts as a numbing agent and provides some relief.

Dinner will be eaten on a Styrofoam plate with my knees as a table. I tend to eat a great deal of pie which is a side effect from the afore mentioned self medication. But I will persevere and eventually leave the sticks and return to the city and home.

And from the day after Thanksgiving until the day before Xmas eve I will be a regular bell ringing bundle of Christmas joy. For me the days leading up to Christmas, the holiday fore play so to speak, are far more gratifying than the actual holiday, sort of like sex with my second wife, the act itself never lived up to the hype.