Thanksgiving History a Different Angle

So we all know how the pilgrims and Indians got together back in the day and broke bread. Had the indians known that befriending these pale ,funny hat wearing limeys was the beginning of their demise they probably would have just killed them all and called it a day. As it turned out the Indians came out on the short end of the stick. That being said, it wasn’t exactly a cake walk for those early settlers either.

For some reason I envision the first meeting between White Man and Native going something along the following lines. Three braves are sitting around doing Indian stuff, smoking peace pipes, bitching about all the wampum they paid in hunter/gatherers taxes last year. The main brave who we will call Burning Star, pronounced ,Burnin Staaah, ( the origin of the Boston /New Englander type accent was these Indians )suddenly sees a couple of pasty lookin guys with big buckles and clown hats climbing out of a small rowboat and coming ashore.

Burning Star, who will be referred to by his initials BS, could spot a rube a mile away and these two hayseeds were no exception. You can imagine that back in the 1600's boredom was a main staple in the average Joes world. Think about it, no electricity, playstation, HBO,Starbucks or Dancing with the Stars, talk about primitive. Not to mention the fact that the women were hairy and the men smelled like ass and salt pork. Rough times my friends, rough times. So its not a big stretch to think that BS might have been looking for a break from hide tanning 8 hours a day to pay his wife’s smoke signal bill. She was constantly fanning the flames with her mother in the next village. Some things never change. Anyhoo, BS figures it would be a hoot to have these guys around just for shits and giggles. Rather than killing the Casper look alikes, BS and his posse welcome them with open arms.So the Indians befriend Myles and company ,history is born.

Now these Pilgrims while naive and out of their element weren’t exactly mild mannered. Least we forget they were labeled as separatists in England and had left the country before king James revised them with some good old drawing and quartering. They were the posse commitatus of their day. Simply put these fuckers were rabble rousers and trouble makers.

Half of the pilgrims croaked the first winter. Apparently the travel brochures for the New World came out of Boca rather than Boston, so they were completely unprepared for the bitter cold and lack of Motel 6's. While BS laid up in his Tee Pee rubbing bear grease on Mrs. BS ,Myles Standish and company froze their collective asses off.

Spring came and those that made it through the winter decided to try their hand at farming. Unfortunately they knew about as much about farming as they did about New England winters. Enter our man BS. He notices that the white folk are catching fish, in fact they are surviving on fish. BS tells them in order to grow corn you must bury your fish instead of eating them. He then goes and gets the whole tribe who spend the entire day watching these English numb nuts bury their dinner in the ground. A good time was had by all.

In the end BS felt a little guilty and really befriended these chuckle heads. If not for the aid and assistance of the Indians all of the Pilgrims would have died. In keeping with our Anglo tradition of letting no good deed go unrewarded, we gave the Indians clap, small pox, Mad Dog 20/20 and thirteen bucks worth of glass beads from the Joan Rivers collection on QVC. Luckily for us Anglo's, the real estate regulations back then were pretty lax so we eventually picked up the whole country for a song, but that’s another story.