Prison 4 Dummies

Like most portrayals in Hollywood the reality of prison has little resemblance to the one you see on the screen. Prisons of today resemble college campuses albeit with three razor wire encrusted fences surrounding them. The warden wont be waiting for your arrival to give you a long speech about failure to communicate. The hacks wont be walking around with mirrored shades and a riding crop. Actually they resemble movie ushers from days gone by. They wear navy blue blazers and call you by your last name usually preceded by Mister.

The first thing you learn in prison is patience. Nothing and I mean nothing happens fast. Paper work rather than Strother Martin is your nemesis. You will fill out forms for every conceivable service, request , program or anything else you can imagine, and then you wait.

There are more religious zealot types in prison than in a catholic seminary. I always found it a little disingenuous that so many people become converts in the joint. There are untold numbers of religions practiced in prison. From the traditional Christians and Muslims to the less well known and down right wacky. There are Moorish Americans who refer to whites as Europeans, there are whites who practice a Norse themed religion complete with Odin and Thor type gods. There are blonde headed white guys in Native American drum circles who have given themselves Indian names (Dances with no Rhythm) , Wiccans, Satanists and Jehovah’s, oh my. Getting religious in prison is like wiping before you poop, it just doesn’t make sense.

Blacks, Whites and Mexicans make up the majority of racial / ethnic groups inside. But there are quite a few smaller groups that surprised me at first. There are Cubans. You do not want to get crossways with a Cuban. A couple of little known facts about Cubans in prison. They eat pigeons. I’m serious. You are allowed crock pots to cook chili and soup bought from the commissary. The cubans would lure pigeons which are pretty plentiful in some federal prisons, with cracker crumbs ,when they got within range they would throw a coat over them, kill em and cook them with chili, true story. Cubans are loud. One Cuban can make more noise than 4 non cubans. Cubans can make blow guns out of newspaper. They can make darts out of a scrap of a potato chip bag. They shoot the darts at the Jamaicans. There are Jamaicans, Russians, Poles, Nigerians, Columbians, Asians of every persuasion, you name it there is a criminal group of them locked up in a federal penitentiary near you.

Anything you can get on the outside, you can get in prison, for a price. Guards bring it in, visitors bring it in and guys on work details bring it in. There is home brew made from either tomato paste, potatoes, raisins, or fruit cocktail. It tastes as bad as it sounds from what I hear. I also heard that the guards would find someone’s hooch stash and rather than confiscate it they would piss in it, which is why I stayed clear of it. There are dice games, football parlays, bookies and loan sharks. There are jailhouse lawyers, guys with 6th grade formal educations that can quote case law like bible scripture.

Surprisingly humor is plentiful in the can, you just have to know where to look for it. Here are a few funny yet true prison facts.

You must never wear briefs, instead opt for boxers. Briefs are referred to as Crime fighters, Superman’s or Da ta Da's (say this fast like one word). You will be mocked without mercy if you wear tighty whiteys because they look like superman’s pants.

Beans are a mainstay of the prison diet. It is not unusual to be served 3 separate bean items in one meal. I’m not sure if this is for economic, dietary, or punitive purposes.

Never eat a slice of bread that has a hole in it. They bake their own bread, Ill leave the rest to your imagination.

The crosses on the ends of the church pews are attached with Velcro so they can be removed for non Christian services.

Contrary to urban legend Soap on a Rope is not sold in the prison commissary.

The most popular television show in prison is The Young and the Restless. People have been beaten senseless for changing the channel. Least popular show, Cops of course.