Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. A Cautionary Xmas Tale.

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer was just on. You heard me right, Rudolph was on, and I watched it, just as I have as far back as I can recall. In a world of uncertainty and turmoil it is comforting to know some things are constant. Don’t get the wrong impression , I’m not some sentimental dolt clinging to my childhood by watching bad animation from the 60's . Okay, maybe I am but that’s beside the point.

I refuse to watch the majority of Christmas reruns. I loathe a christmas story or whatever its called, the one with the BB gun kid. But Rudolph for some strange reason I cannot resist. I think it is because it is from a simpler time, a tale of hope and redemption. Imagine if the Rudolph story got a rewrite today. It would go something like this.

Santa who is clearly suffering from anorexia ,bulimia, or Meth addiction would be sent off to some posh treatment center on the west coast. Christmas presents would be delivered by some uber hyper UPS guy in brown .

The INS would raid Santa’s Toy Shop which is a sweat shop . The surly elf who oversees the toy shop would probably face numerous EEOC complaints. I’m pretty sure the guy was a drinker, certainly he is abusive.

With the Toy Shop shut down toys would be imported from China, where small Asian elves would swathe everything in lead based paint.

Peta would definitely be six feet up Santa's ass due to the exploitation of reindeer.

The little elf who wanted to be a dentist in the original version would probably opt for a different career due to high medical malpractice insurance. Instead of being a Dentist he would have aspirations much loftier. That’s right, he would open a chain of those Bling Bling Snap on Grill kiosks. Thus staying somewhat in the dental field but sans licensing and liability issues.

The Abominable Snowman would find the frigid temps and limited career possibilities of the north pole stifling. I imagine he would move to Vegas, probably hook up with Zigfried and Roy.

But what about poor Rudolph? For starters he would file a discrimination lawsuit against that prick of a reindeer coach for not allowing him to join in any reindeer games due to his red light proboscis. All the taunting at the hands of the other reindeer kids might well drive him into an uncontrollable rage, resulting in a school shooting or at the very least cause him to abuse drugs and alcohol.

When Rudy reached an out of court settlement for the harassment and discrimination he suffered, I have no doubt he would get some work done, have his nose fixed. With the advances in cosmetic surgery that bright red bulbous nose could be trimmed down and blackened. And I’m not talking some bullshit blob of mud like his old man made him wear.

Which brings me to his parents. His parents should be charged with child abuse. They really mind fucked poor Rudolph . The poor kid is going to spend the next 20 years in therapy. He would probably move to LA and get caught driving drunk by TMZ. Rudy would end up broke and working as a security guard like Gary Coleman. Just another cautionary tale on the boulevard of broken dreams.