I have had more than a few jobs in my life. Some were legit, many were illegal, but none were as dirty and underhanded as my brief foray in to the field of the pre-need funeral industry. I had lunch a week or so back, with Meesha and Nightmare, and at some point the conversation turned to work and I briefly mentioned my time in the funeral industry. I figured it was worth a post, and in the telling I might offer up some information that will keep someone from getting hosed. Hopefully this will balance out some of the bad karma I picked up when I was slinging caskets and lawn crypts.
The first thing you need to understand about the funeral business, specifically the pre-need end of it, is that the guy selling you your prearranged final farewell, isn't even really in the funeral business. The company I worked for was based out of St. Louis, and I was covering the Springfield area for them, along with 4 or 5 other guys. I knew from the git go that the company was a little shady, but I had no idea just how ruthless they were. My first encounter with their head hunter was straight out of Glengarry Glen Ross, in fact if the clown they sent from St. Louis had mentioned Mitch and Murray, Id have sworn he was Alec Baldwin. ( If you haven't seen Glengarry go rent it)
Anyway myself and the other guys met up with the St. Louis guy at a funeral home in Springfield. He had the look of a guy who had never done an honest days work in his life, at the time that was an attribute I found admirable. Very expensive suit, gator shoes, Rolex, the whole ensemble, that says pretentious egomaniac. He tells us how much money we can make, how much he makes, they even gave away a free car lease to the top closer. I swear it was so much like the movie I felt like Ed O'Neil. 3 of the guys were so intimidated by Mr. Slick, that they left when we went out for a break.
We sold prearranged funerals and plots with an emphasis on Lawn Crypts. A lawn crypt is basically an extra deep hole with a concrete vault set in it. You can put two people in the vault. Dead person number one goes in the hole, a lid goes over them, dirt goes in. When time for it's second occupant, the dirt is removed casket is interred, refill the hole, viola, Lawn crypt. It's a good idea, and was new to the Midwest when I was selling them. With space at an ever increasing premium, the lawn crypt gives you more bang for your buck, plus you spend eternity with your mate or whoever you share it with. And if the story ended there, I wouldn't have anything negative to say about the pre-need biz, but then again I wouldn't bother writing about it at all.
The Setup
All of my leads were setup through a phone room under the guise of giving away something free. Mention FREE and No Obligation and people will invariably rise to the bait like a trout to a fly. We gave away a free burial plot. Of course it wasn't free, and the fees connected to it were more than if you just bought a plot outright, so even if the mark didn't buy what we were selling , they wouldn't ever cash in on the giveaway. The catch to the free plot was that you allow our counselor, in this case Me, to come out and talk to you for a few minutes about a special offer, with no obligation to buy same, natch.
The Spiel
The target demographic was married couples in their thirties. The package we sold was setup on a payment plan, so you want to make sure you are selling to someone who will be around to make those payments for a long time. We made it sound like insurance, in so much as you pay for a very long time, and if you did continue to make your payments, by the time your plan matured, you paid 3 or 4 times the actual face value. Most people drop out after 10 or 15 years tops, in which case they broke the agreement and got zilch.
This company had a tried and true method for closing the deal. Divide and Conquer. With the husband and wife seated at each side of the kitchen or dining table , and armed with nothing more than a three ring binder of pictures and charts, this is how it all went down. Lets call our imaginary couple Joe and Mary. I'll be doing all of the talking, so try to keep up. I would start out with stats on the rising cost of funerals and how it will cost 3 or 4 times as much to bury a loved one , should that loved one live another 30 or 40 years. I'd explain how the lawn crypt insured that the couple would spend eternity together, showed a photo of a picturesque rolling green expanse, from some cemetery somewhere, but damn sure not in Springfield. If left at that, the couple would say no thanks or we will get back to you. But that's not how we finished.
" Joe and Mary, if the two of you live to your full life expectancy, you Mary, will outlive Joe by about 7 years. So Joe, we are going to assume you passed and take you out of the picture. But don't worry, like Lazarus, I'll bring you back in just a minute, Ha Ha."
That is when I would flip to THE PHOTO. The photo showed a young attractive woman and a small boy, standing in a cemetery. Leaning over to speak with the woman was a funeral director. The funeral director was tall and thin with sharp features. He was holding an umbrella, and the woman and boy weren't completely under it. The scene was gray and overcast, the vulture like Funeral guy looked like he might cop a feel of the woman any second. The woman was clearly distraught, the young boy clinging to her tightly.
"Mary, if God forbid, Joe should die tomorrow, would you be prepared to make clear decisions about his final resting place? No, of course you wouldn't. You would do what so many people do who don't plan ahead, you would over spend out of emotion and a desire to give the man you love a fitting ceremony. Would you know what Joe would want to be buried in? Would Joe want his wedding band left on , or removed and given to you after the service? Would he want flowers or prefer contributions to some cause or charity? So many people end up giving their loved one a funeral that doesn't really reflect what the deceased wanted. That's not a fitting end for someone you love , is it? " And the cost when arrangements are made at the time of death are far greater than planning ahead. Many people say, well we have life insurance. But life insurance is really intended to benefit the living and not the deceased. "
"Okay Joe I'm bringing you back from the dead now. Heh Heh. I've made a couple of light hearted jokes Joe. Not because this isn't a serious matter, but to show that it doesn't have to be all gloomy. If Mary outlives you Joe, do you want her to be the woman in the picture. When that day comes, would you want Mary to be forced to make snap decisions, on the darkest, saddest day of her life? Or would you want her to be free to mourn your passing and celebrate your memory ? Isn't it better that you know your family is protected from some greedy funeral director who might overcharge and take advantage of Mary and her all consuming grief ?"
"Nobody wants the people they love to be placed in a position where his death is a huge burden upon them. And everyone wants their loved one to be laid to rest in a ceremony that reflects just how deeply they were loved. It's a matter of respect really. Your payment amounts to a nice dinner out. 80 dollars a month is really a small price to pay if it means your wife and child are protected, isn't it Joe?"
Then I would slide the contract to Mary and sit back. If she picked up the pen, and about half the time she would, it was a done deal.
I know what you the reader may be thinking right now. First you are thinking that the whole pitch sounds contrived and corny, and you would never fall for it. Maybe you wouldn't, but a lot of people would. Second you are thinking, Man MM is a bigger scumbag than I first suspected. Guilty, or at least I was for a while. I stayed in that business for about 6 months, and I made pretty good money at it. The commission was about 400 bucks and I could close 10 or 15 a month. But it left a bad taste in my mouth, and I much preferred being a crook without dressing it up and calling it Making an Honest Living.
So the moral of the story is this. Plan ahead, but do it on your own terms, and not when some opportunistic salesman comes along. Deal with a privately owned funeral home. Go to them, rather than wait for them to come to you. And make sure there wont be a bunch of added costs due at the time of the funeral.
This has been a public service announcement from your friendly and reformed Midtown Miscreant.
The first thing you need to understand about the funeral business, specifically the pre-need end of it, is that the guy selling you your prearranged final farewell, isn't even really in the funeral business. The company I worked for was based out of St. Louis, and I was covering the Springfield area for them, along with 4 or 5 other guys. I knew from the git go that the company was a little shady, but I had no idea just how ruthless they were. My first encounter with their head hunter was straight out of Glengarry Glen Ross, in fact if the clown they sent from St. Louis had mentioned Mitch and Murray, Id have sworn he was Alec Baldwin. ( If you haven't seen Glengarry go rent it)
Anyway myself and the other guys met up with the St. Louis guy at a funeral home in Springfield. He had the look of a guy who had never done an honest days work in his life, at the time that was an attribute I found admirable. Very expensive suit, gator shoes, Rolex, the whole ensemble, that says pretentious egomaniac. He tells us how much money we can make, how much he makes, they even gave away a free car lease to the top closer. I swear it was so much like the movie I felt like Ed O'Neil. 3 of the guys were so intimidated by Mr. Slick, that they left when we went out for a break.
We sold prearranged funerals and plots with an emphasis on Lawn Crypts. A lawn crypt is basically an extra deep hole with a concrete vault set in it. You can put two people in the vault. Dead person number one goes in the hole, a lid goes over them, dirt goes in. When time for it's second occupant, the dirt is removed casket is interred, refill the hole, viola, Lawn crypt. It's a good idea, and was new to the Midwest when I was selling them. With space at an ever increasing premium, the lawn crypt gives you more bang for your buck, plus you spend eternity with your mate or whoever you share it with. And if the story ended there, I wouldn't have anything negative to say about the pre-need biz, but then again I wouldn't bother writing about it at all.
The Setup
All of my leads were setup through a phone room under the guise of giving away something free. Mention FREE and No Obligation and people will invariably rise to the bait like a trout to a fly. We gave away a free burial plot. Of course it wasn't free, and the fees connected to it were more than if you just bought a plot outright, so even if the mark didn't buy what we were selling , they wouldn't ever cash in on the giveaway. The catch to the free plot was that you allow our counselor, in this case Me, to come out and talk to you for a few minutes about a special offer, with no obligation to buy same, natch.
The Spiel
The target demographic was married couples in their thirties. The package we sold was setup on a payment plan, so you want to make sure you are selling to someone who will be around to make those payments for a long time. We made it sound like insurance, in so much as you pay for a very long time, and if you did continue to make your payments, by the time your plan matured, you paid 3 or 4 times the actual face value. Most people drop out after 10 or 15 years tops, in which case they broke the agreement and got zilch.
This company had a tried and true method for closing the deal. Divide and Conquer. With the husband and wife seated at each side of the kitchen or dining table , and armed with nothing more than a three ring binder of pictures and charts, this is how it all went down. Lets call our imaginary couple Joe and Mary. I'll be doing all of the talking, so try to keep up. I would start out with stats on the rising cost of funerals and how it will cost 3 or 4 times as much to bury a loved one , should that loved one live another 30 or 40 years. I'd explain how the lawn crypt insured that the couple would spend eternity together, showed a photo of a picturesque rolling green expanse, from some cemetery somewhere, but damn sure not in Springfield. If left at that, the couple would say no thanks or we will get back to you. But that's not how we finished.
" Joe and Mary, if the two of you live to your full life expectancy, you Mary, will outlive Joe by about 7 years. So Joe, we are going to assume you passed and take you out of the picture. But don't worry, like Lazarus, I'll bring you back in just a minute, Ha Ha."
That is when I would flip to THE PHOTO. The photo showed a young attractive woman and a small boy, standing in a cemetery. Leaning over to speak with the woman was a funeral director. The funeral director was tall and thin with sharp features. He was holding an umbrella, and the woman and boy weren't completely under it. The scene was gray and overcast, the vulture like Funeral guy looked like he might cop a feel of the woman any second. The woman was clearly distraught, the young boy clinging to her tightly.
"Mary, if God forbid, Joe should die tomorrow, would you be prepared to make clear decisions about his final resting place? No, of course you wouldn't. You would do what so many people do who don't plan ahead, you would over spend out of emotion and a desire to give the man you love a fitting ceremony. Would you know what Joe would want to be buried in? Would Joe want his wedding band left on , or removed and given to you after the service? Would he want flowers or prefer contributions to some cause or charity? So many people end up giving their loved one a funeral that doesn't really reflect what the deceased wanted. That's not a fitting end for someone you love , is it? " And the cost when arrangements are made at the time of death are far greater than planning ahead. Many people say, well we have life insurance. But life insurance is really intended to benefit the living and not the deceased. "
"Okay Joe I'm bringing you back from the dead now. Heh Heh. I've made a couple of light hearted jokes Joe. Not because this isn't a serious matter, but to show that it doesn't have to be all gloomy. If Mary outlives you Joe, do you want her to be the woman in the picture. When that day comes, would you want Mary to be forced to make snap decisions, on the darkest, saddest day of her life? Or would you want her to be free to mourn your passing and celebrate your memory ? Isn't it better that you know your family is protected from some greedy funeral director who might overcharge and take advantage of Mary and her all consuming grief ?"
"Nobody wants the people they love to be placed in a position where his death is a huge burden upon them. And everyone wants their loved one to be laid to rest in a ceremony that reflects just how deeply they were loved. It's a matter of respect really. Your payment amounts to a nice dinner out. 80 dollars a month is really a small price to pay if it means your wife and child are protected, isn't it Joe?"
Then I would slide the contract to Mary and sit back. If she picked up the pen, and about half the time she would, it was a done deal.
I know what you the reader may be thinking right now. First you are thinking that the whole pitch sounds contrived and corny, and you would never fall for it. Maybe you wouldn't, but a lot of people would. Second you are thinking, Man MM is a bigger scumbag than I first suspected. Guilty, or at least I was for a while. I stayed in that business for about 6 months, and I made pretty good money at it. The commission was about 400 bucks and I could close 10 or 15 a month. But it left a bad taste in my mouth, and I much preferred being a crook without dressing it up and calling it Making an Honest Living.
So the moral of the story is this. Plan ahead, but do it on your own terms, and not when some opportunistic salesman comes along. Deal with a privately owned funeral home. Go to them, rather than wait for them to come to you. And make sure there wont be a bunch of added costs due at the time of the funeral.
This has been a public service announcement from your friendly and reformed Midtown Miscreant.
even the best in this industry seem shady even if they are honest. but maybe pre-arranging your funeral is not such a bad idea- then I can have fun bargaining for my own funeral,buying casket from costco,using coupons and otherwise being cheap. after I croak who can do it better?
ReplyDeleteWhen mom died, we had two options for the funeral. She passed on a Saturday, and we could either have a memorial Rosary on Monday, and then the funeral would be on Tuesday, or we could wait until the following Saturday. Dad, for some reason, chose to go with the Tuesday time.
ReplyDeleteWe had been pretty hopeful throughout her sickness that she would miraculously get better. No plans were made. No arrangements were discussed. Nothing.
My sister went with dad to the funeral home the following day and looked at caskets and discussed the burial. Later that day, my dad managed to find a wholesale casket for something like $3,000 less than the one they tried to sell him at the funeral parlor, but it was virtually the same.
Everything was ready to go on Tuesday. My sister did the flowers. The funeral was lovely, tasteful, and the "party" afterwards at the house was exactly what mom would have liked.
It's amazing what people can do when they put their minds to it.