The Real Threat From South of the Border

Let me preface this post by saying this; I am not the most adventurous person when it comes to trying new shit. It usually takes me several years to adjust to new car styles. For the most part, I dress the same now as I did 20 years ago. I combed my hair the same way for 30 years, when it started falling out, I shaved my head, before it was trendy, before every twenty and thirty something , angst ridden douche bag decided it was hip. A few wrinkles and scuff marks aside, I have looked the same way for the past 10 years. I'm the same way when it comes to what I eat. I don't like surprises, I don't travel outside my comfort zone. So it was as big a surprise to me as anyone, when I bought some gum, gum I had never tried, Mexican gum, Canel's gum.
My reasoning was as follows. The packaging was cool, it comes in a square box, inside are little packages of brightly colored gum, they look like Chiclets gum. I like Mexican food, I don't like Mexican weed, but I do like Mexican people in general, so with that twisted bit O reasoning, I decided to take a chance on the gum, which much like Mexican labor was cheaper than its American counterpart.

Canel's gum comes in four flavors per package, Grape, Cherry, Apple, and Banana. It is without a doubt the most vile thing I have ever put in my pie hole. Seriously, this stuff is as fucked up as the proverbial Soup Sandwich. For starters, it doesn't feel like gum in your mouth. Imagine mixing shards of shattered light bulb in urine soaked sand, now concentrate that to industrial strength, and that gives you a vague idea of what this crap tastes like. The worst of the 4 flavors was the green apple. I would rather have my teeth cleaned by a proctologist, than to put a single piece of this green, vile, rectangular poison in my mouth again. The thing that made the green gum even more unpalatable than the other flavors, and the most insidious of the four, was the fact that it tasted OK for the first couple of minutes, then came the after taste. It tasted like body odor smells. I chugged a Coke Zero, and ate 3 Altoids all at once, and the hideous taste wouldn't leave my mouth. Even now I shudder at the memory of it.

There is more than a little debate over illegal immigration here in America today. We have nimrods with night vision goggles sitting in lawn chairs in the desert, waiting for folks seeking a better life to steal across our border. They claim the influx of illegal immigrants from Mexico are threatening our way of life. I think it is just a ploy to distract us from the Real Menace from Mexico. The real threat isn't the hard working people that mow lawns, roof houses, and fuck up orders at the drive through window. The real threat isn't brown dirt brick weed that tastes like a gym sock and gives you a headache. The true enemy is this fucking gum. I'll take it a step further, there is a conspiracy in this country, and I contend that the Minute Men and other anti Mexican groups are all a part of it. I think these Canel's gum people are in cahoots with these groups to distract us from the real threat. The real threat is this innocuous looking gum. I believe the Minute Men are nothing more than errand girls, sent by grocery clerks, to collect a bill. They are the lap dogs of the Canel's gum company. The horror, oh, the Horror.

Authors note: After dumping this crap in the most appropriate place, the toilet, I have begun to question the wisdom of having done so. If there are any plumbers among my readers, be advised I may need your assistance and expertise.