The Return of Prison for Dummies ..............The Zoo.

My Prison for Dummies series was probably the most popular and best writing I've done. Granted, that's not saying a hell of alot, Hemingway I ain't, maybe Elmore Leonard, with severe brain damage on his worst day. The point I'm trying to make is people liked it. If I was smart, I would take a cue from Hollywood and avoid a sequel, think any movie other than the Godfather with a "Part Two" behind the title. Not unlike Hollywood, original ideas to write about don't exactly flow out of my ass, so until something pisses me off, offends, or amuses me, it's either this or reruns. So without further adieu...........

The Zoo

Prison probably isn't the first place you think of when it comes to animals, unless it's of the human variety, which is an entirely different subject, so try to keep up. It might surprise you to know there is a wide variety of animals and potential pets in prison. The first and the most noticeable is the cat. I have no idea where they get all these convict cats, but every prison I was ever transferred to had an ass load of kitty cats. Most of the cats looked like your average house cat, but there were always a few that looked different, and not in a good way. I can't really explain it, but there always seemed to be a few that had really skinny fucking heads, like those hairless cats. They creeped me out. The cats always seemed to congregate around the kitchens. Guys would sometimes have a pet cat that hung out by whatever shop or building they worked out of. I once saw a fairly crazy guy, his name was Turtle or Frog, can't recall which, anyway, on a bet, a few packs of smokes and a couple of skinny prison joints, he ate a Cheetos out of a cats ass. It was one of the skinny fried Cheetos rather than the puffy baked version, which probably couldn't be wedged in a cats ass. People get bored in prison, and it's not uncommon to make the less stable do silly shit for entertainment. I felt bad for the cat, but he did scratch the guy up pretty good, so at least he got his.

Hopefully you weren't expecting a Bird man of Alcatraz story. I hate to bust your bubble but the only bird story I can tell you I experienced in the joint involves Cubans and Pigeons. They caught pigeons and cooked them in the little crock pots they sell in the commissary for heating up your canned chili. True story, the Cubans really did eat pigeons.


I worked for a few months in A and D, which is where all new arrivals and discharged prisoners enter or leave the prison. There were 4 of us that worked there, we handed out clothes, packed property, and fixed prison issue clothing. We had a couple of sewing machines, repaired shirts, replaced buttons, shit like that. Mostly we played pinochle. There were two guys I worked with who had spiders as pets. They were those little fuzzy black spiders, smaller than your pinky nail. These two chuckle heads kept their spiders in little boxes, and fed them live flies and the occasional cockroach. They claimed they were training them to fight and maybe do some tricks. Mostly they just poked at em with pencils. Every now and then you would hear an "OH SHIT" followed by metal chair being tipped over as one of the little black spiders jumped for freedom, and the spider handler would go ass over tea kettle trying to keep the spider from jumping in his mouth or something. I hate spiders, but it seemed like a pussy reaction to run from a tiny spider, especially having just claimed to be teaching it tricks. The spiders always ended up dieing after a week or so, and before they could teach them any tricks, or they would escape. Within a few days one of the two guys would come up with a new spider, followed a day or two later by the other guy. I have no idea where they came up with the spiders, I just know they didn't sell them in the commissary.

Now I realize that some of this shit might be a little hard to swallow. I can only tell you that every prison related story I tell is 100 percent true and bullshit free. Prison is not just for criminals, there are some really deranged and just plain crazy types running around behind the fence. I've got at least one current and one former corrections officer (hacks) that read this blog. They have no doubt seen it all and are surprised at nothing. Trust me when I say these animal tales are pretty low on the Bizarreness barometer. In short, prison is one crazy event after another. I'm not sure what my next Prison For Dummies Two installment will be, or when it will be. If any readers have a question or a subject they want to know about, and that I haven't already covered in my ground breaking Prison for Dummies original series, then leave it in the comment section, and I'll see what I can do. If you don't know what I covered already, read it here.

Until next time, sleep with your back to the wall and give everybody 3 feet.

*** You should also check out THIS BLOG. The writer is a guard in a prison somewhere and puts out some good prison related stuff. You will probably notice that his take is similar to my own. For the most part convicts and guards think pretty much alike, except the especially twisted ones on both sides of the fence. Good read, check him out.