God protect the Mascot..............

Something wicked this way comes. There is a movement afloat, an all out attack, aimed at mascots. First Chuck E Cheese gets his giant head ripped from his body and pummeled by some overprotective parent. Now McGruff the Crime Dog gets roughed up by a D.C. metro bus driver. Clearly anti mascot sentiment is sweeping the nation. Whats next, will some disgruntled tax payer pounce on Uncle Sam or the Statue of Liberty because they don't like the way they wave?

I'll go on record here, I think the story about the bus driver who cracked McGruff in his giant dog head is just plain funny. McGruff has always seemed a tad creepy in my eyes, the disproportionately large head, the overcoat, the whole dog walking upright thing, it's never sat right with me. The bus driver, apparently got out of his metro line bus to adjust his mirrors. McGruff was handing out stickers or some such propaganda to a group of kids. The bus driver walks up to McGruff, does a Roy Jones Jr flurry on his giant dog head, gets back in his bus and flees the scene of the crime. McGruff calls the police who arrest the guy for battering a beagle. The local cops claim the kids were horrified. I'm going to have to call bullshit on that claim. What self respecting adolescent boy wouldn't find assault on a giant dog/man funny.

Now to Chuck E Cheese. Some moron parent thought he saw Chuck body check his little angel. So what does he do? He snaps, crackles, and pops Chuck's head off. Ever been to a Chuck E Cheese? Well I have, and the experience validates my belief that no child under the age of 15 should be allowed in public unless in restraints. It's a mad house in Chuck E Cheese land. All these kids running around at testicle thumping level, amped up on high fat content and sugar. Now don't get me wrong, I'm sure that most of the little darlings are being well behaved, and I'm equally certain that the children of my readers are well behaved, walking, talking, Precious Moments figurines. But there is always one group of brats. One overindulged little shit, throwing a party attended by more of his ilk. These kids are the ones you generally see in the grocery store, throwing a fit in the cereal aisle, or at a restaurant, shrieking and bawling at the top of their little lungs, the parents casually continuing with their meal, while the other diners ears begin to bleed from the caterwauling. Those kids, need to be Hockey Checked by a giant rat. In fact, I think Chuck E Cheese should be armed with a cattle prod before venturing in to that 5th level of Hell that is an arcade.

There was a recent fictitious study, done in my mind, and the results were astounding. Mascots or giant puppet people are 20 times more likely to have drug and alcohol problems than the average American. Seriously, how could you get up, day in, day out, and not get loaded, knowing that you will be head butted and punched in your balls countless times throughout the day. Greasy, sticky, little claws, will be pulling your tail, while they scream gleefully. So if you happen to go to a Chuck E Cheese, and Chuck seems a little unsteady on his feet, or if his giant rat head seems to be wobbly and nodding off, don't judge. Life ain't easy when you are Chuck E Cheesey.