America will be defeated not by the gun, or hordes of invading Mongols. Hot wax and vanity will be our ruin.

I was perusing the KC Star website this morning. One of my first reads is always James Hart's Crime Scene Kansas City, then I meander over to see who Jason (stay puff) Whitlock is insulting, and really that's about it for the Star. Other than the occasional mocking of the twits over at KC Ink, or taking potshots at one of the hack columnists, I tend to avoid the Stars website just because of the annoying pop up, roll down, dance across the page advertisements. I usually take a look at the front page of the website as well. This morning on the front page about half way down comes this Pulitzer contender; "Manscaping: Waxing poetic about the razor’s lost edge".

You can read the full story at the link above, or you can just settle for the Readers Digest condensed version and vitriol laden commentary here. I'd suggest the latter as the Star piece takes itself way to seriously on the subject of Men and body hair waxing.

I would have expected this article to turn up on the Stars shallow insipid Carrie Bradshaw emulating sister site KC Ink. A man getting waxed seems more in keeping with the format at KC Ink. I mean they regularly delve into hard hitting commentary about who is their hottest Male and Female reader, dating disasters, and the Frink of the week or some such drivel. So it seems like an in depth story about men getting waxed would be better suited slapped up on the page of a rag that is read by Abercrombie wearing, overpriced condo dwelling, douche nozzles, than in the actual paper of record. Then again I wouldn't have seen it. Before you write me off as a bitter 50 year old with a prematurely white goatee, that is out of touch with todays trends, I get the whole body aesthetic, trying to look like Brad Pitt thing. In fact, I dip my entire body in a vat of Nair once a week, I'm as slick and streamlined as a pregnant Seal. Close your mouth and wipe that look of revulsion off your mug, I'm kidding. Reality trumped vanity years ago. When you hit a certain age you realize that if God exists she is a woman, with spiky hair, wearing Birkenstocks and man pants, with a mean streak, hell bent on stripping away every shred of self esteem a middle aged man possesses. Hair falls out of your head and magically sprouts out of your ears. Your arms shrink and your waistline grows. You go from a V shape to looking like a Weeble. Weebles wobble but they don't fall down. But I digress.

Anyway, the little Peacock in the Star story gets his chest, underarms and even nostrils waxed. Yeah, you heard me, his fuckin nostrils. That's where this country is headed. In the not too distant future we will be governed by alien looking, totally hairless nostril waxers. The day that they completely take over we will be invaded by Grenada, or some third world country armed with slingshots. Life as we know it will end in America. Who is going to be afraid of a country of hairless nostril waxers, seriously? What does that say about the lazy factor of a guy who can't take a minute once a week to trim his fucking nose hair. While I find the sight of long nose hairs, looking like a chia pet growing from a mans snot box, as disturbing as the next person, I can't get passed the pussification of it all. I'm not knocking a young guy for trying to be trendy, wanting to emulate some Hollywood pretty boy, I get that part. I can even empathize with getting your pubes removed. You remove the shrubs, it makes the tree look taller. But waxing nose hair?

Forget all of the End Times predictions. Nostradamus ain't got shit on me. Twenty years down the road the United States will cease to exist as we know it. Men will more closely resemble John Waters rather than John Wayne. Our military War Rooms will no longer be manned by generals smoking cigars and drinking Bourbon, instead there will be aroma therapy and a cappuccino machine. Some tiny country that still speaks in clicks and whistles, will invade the U.S. with stones and sticks. What passes for men will flee for the safety of Canada. Upon their arrival the Canadian government will give these hairless, lilac smelling peacocks, physical exams and find that their testicles have morphed into a hybrid mix of Ovaries and scented candle orbs. It's a sad day in America. Mark it down, record it for future generations. America wasn't defeated by the Russians, or crazy Islamic extremists, no not that. America was beaten without a single shot ever being fired. The only sound was an intake of breath, the only sign, a watering of the eyes, as nose hairs were waxed from some pussys snot box.