Fast Eddie Friday... I want that one back.

We all experience at least one of those moments in our lives, or multiple moments. I'm talking about that "oh shit, I want that one back" moment. It can be a mistake you make, a slip of the tongue, or some really stupid accident brought on by an equally stupid action. Here's an example. When I was about 7 I happened to walk through the kitchen one day while my mom was making a cake. I said Making a cake , not Baking a cake, big difference there, besides we're talking about my mother, so watch your mouth. Anyway, she had left her post at the counter, and I found myself alone with a big ass mixing bowl of cake batter. We had those Sunbeam mixers back then. A chrome colored, rocket shaped, bad ass of a mixer. There weren't any pussified food processors or Jack Lalane Juicers back in the 60's. Fans had metal blades, and would chop your hand off if you stuck it in there. Lawnmowers just shot grass and rocks out of the side, no guards or safety shut offs, you could lose a fuckin eye, or worse. If a woman got her I Dream of Genie ponytail caught in one of those mixers, she could end up looking like a Franciscan monk. Anyway, there sits the mixer, tipped back on it's stand, two beaters sticking out of it, swathed in cake batter. Being your standard issue, walking germ factory, and social retard that 7 year olds are, I figured it couldn't hurt if I just slid over there and sampled some cake batter. So I did. My first thought was grab a spoon, then, use your finger, and finally, a small seemingly rational voice said, "just lick the beater". So I did, and just as I touched my tongue to the chrome beaters, it happened, I bumped that round speed switch on the back, the GO button. It was just the slightest of touches, just enough to make the beaters take a couple of slow revolutions. Just enough to twist my tongue between the beaters, like it was an I Dream of Jeanie ponytail. Mom managed to detangle my tongue from the mixer, a trip to the hospital, and a few months of no salt, and it was like it never happened. But there was that one moment, just as the mixer rolled my tongue up, a crystalline moment when time froze, and I thought, "oh shit, I want a do over". That's the moment I'm talking about. There were several people in the news this week who had one of those " I want that one back moments" or IWTOB for short.

Phillip Garrido had a major IWTOB moment. Garrido, was charged along with his wife for the kidnapping of Jaycee Dugard when she was 11. She was kept in a shed, gave birth to two children, and rarely if ever left the couples home. The two girls have never attended school, never saw a doctor. Garrido, a registered sex offender on lifetime parole, was ordered to visit a police station after a report of suspicious activity involving him and two young children the previous day. He took the two children with him, along with Jaycee. That decision to bring his victims to the police station will be the IWTOB moment haunting Garrido, as he hopefully spends the remainder of his days in prison. Garrido is a major fruitcake. Here is his blog. Garrido hears the voice of God. Sadly, he never heard his conscience during the 19 years he robbed from his victim.

"Republicans are struggling right now to find the great white hope," . Kansas Republican Congresswoman Lynn (I'm a fuckin moron) Jenkins had her moment , one of many, when she uttered that sentence at a forum in Hiawatha Kansas. Nothing says IWTOB, like some tight ass, wonder bread, Kansas politician making a racially charged comment in front of a room full of witnesses. GOP leaders are cringing, no doubt. With the republican party in a struggle to sway moderates to jump the fence and join the GOP, statements from walking tree stumps like Jenkins don't help.

I could go on all day, but I've gone too long already. The one common denominator among all "I want that one back" moments, you can't get them back. Life doesn't have a delete button. The best you can hope for is the moment will fade with time. In some cases like the kidnapping, voice hearing freak, Garrido, the moment will never fade. He will spend many a long night in prison going over the moment he made a decision that jumped up and bit him in the ass. Rightfully so. In Jenkins case, she will go on to have many more moments, her foot has a permanent parking space in her pie hole. As for me, I steer clear of hand mixers.

Have a good weekend, and try to avoid having one of those moments.