The power of suggestion is a helluva drug. News that a young woman, reportedly healthy, with no pre existing conditions , died from Swine Flu, aka H1N1, has got me as jumpy as Fred Phelps at a gay pride rally. Seriously, I'm considering crafting my own bio hazard suit from trash bags, garden hose, and duct tape. My girlfriend is a nurse, so she is suspect as a possible carrier, I plan on spraying her down with rubbing alcohol and baby oil when she comes home from work. Yeah, I know baby oil isn't a disinfectant, worry about your own flu prevention protocol and get out of mine, mmmkay? Since this whole swine flu thing started , what 6 months ago, every time I hear of someone giving up the ghost , I get all achy and short of breath. It's like when someone mentions crabs and you get a sympathetic itch all of a sudden. I hate getting sick, luckily it's been a rare occurrence in my 50 years. I've had the flu maybe 3 or 4 times in my life, and each time I'm convinced beyond reason that the grim reaper is going to pop out of a closet and take my surly ass on an elevator ride to the basement. So if you happen to see a guy wrapped in lawn and leaf bags at the Independence Price Chopper, pulling a box of Captn Crunch from the shelf with salad tongs, give him 6 feet, lest you get a face full of rubbing alcohol via a super soaker. I'm not fucking around.
Speaking of Independence, the local news has had a few reports over the past couple of months about groups of ruffians and ruffiettes, doing their best Tyler Durdan Fight Club impression. Here is a clip.
What we have here is a couple of Whiskey Tango up and comers, amped up on Malt Liqour, Emeniem CD's, and mom's Xanax, trying to prove to their buddies what bad asses they are. It would be funny if it weren't for the recent church parking lot murder of the young father who was attacked by a similar set of douche bags. A group of concerned citizens have come together led by Tina-Wyatt Rockers of the Susquehanna Fort Osage Neighborhood Crime Watch Group. There is a lesson here for folks in Kansas City, particularly on the east side and in midtown. This lady decided enough is enough, she is doing something about the bad element in her neighborhood. She calls the cops, has recorded a couple of the fights, and has taken to the media. Granted there is a big difference between the threat posed by middle class white D bags, who drive around in 10 year old Honda preludes with bumble bee mufflers, and the genuine article gangsta armed with AK 47's, roaming KC proper, who would just as soon kill you as look at you. The point is, looking the other way, going mute when you see a crime take place, is why KC has become a killing field.
Speaking of Independence, the local news has had a few reports over the past couple of months about groups of ruffians and ruffiettes, doing their best Tyler Durdan Fight Club impression. Here is a clip.
What we have here is a couple of Whiskey Tango up and comers, amped up on Malt Liqour, Emeniem CD's, and mom's Xanax, trying to prove to their buddies what bad asses they are. It would be funny if it weren't for the recent church parking lot murder of the young father who was attacked by a similar set of douche bags. A group of concerned citizens have come together led by Tina-Wyatt Rockers of the Susquehanna Fort Osage Neighborhood Crime Watch Group. There is a lesson here for folks in Kansas City, particularly on the east side and in midtown. This lady decided enough is enough, she is doing something about the bad element in her neighborhood. She calls the cops, has recorded a couple of the fights, and has taken to the media. Granted there is a big difference between the threat posed by middle class white D bags, who drive around in 10 year old Honda preludes with bumble bee mufflers, and the genuine article gangsta armed with AK 47's, roaming KC proper, who would just as soon kill you as look at you. The point is, looking the other way, going mute when you see a crime take place, is why KC has become a killing field.
And finally, posting has been a little on the light side around here lately. I'm working on some stuff and hopefully in the near future I'll be bringing you some exclusive stories that may blow the roof off of this blog, and find their way into mainstream media and the big time Interwebs. In the meantime, stick around and I'll do my best to engage, enrage, and amuse you. Have a safe weekend, and cover your cake hole when you cough, or risk getting doused in Isopropyl.
MMM..Another Urban Blight series perhaps? Inquiring minds want to know.
ReplyDeleteKeep it up MM.
Heehee! Ok, this: "My girlfriend is a nurse, so she is suspect as a possible carrier, I plan on spraying her down with rubbing alcohol and baby oil when she comes home from work. Yeah, I know baby oil isn't a disinfectant, worry about your own flu prevention protocol and get out of mine, mmmkay?" is going to make me giggle all day long when I think about it.
ReplyDeleteHere's to hoping you both stay H1N1 virus free!!! (That "healthy" chick must have had something wrong. She had to have. That's the only explanation I'll accept, dammit.)
The best way to stay virus free is to wash your hands or use hand sanitizer frequently and to avoid touching your eyes, nose and mouth while out and about.
ReplyDeleteBut that's not nearly as funny as MM's methods.
Oh, and Tina, sic'em!
You gave me the giggles, even though at this very moment I have a cough and a sore throat. Every time I get even mildly sick I think about Stephen King's "The Stand" and wonder where this one got it's start.
ReplyDeleteSeveral years ago there was a book out called The Hot Zone about the Ebola virus. Remember it...you bled out from your eyes and every orifice and promptly died but not before infecting the planet. Well, at the time I had a friend with a PhD in virology and now owns her own vaccine company, and I asked her what was the worst virus she could think of as far as fearing. Her answer: The flu.
ReplyDeleteSmile :-)
I read that book, I think it started out with a narrative about a guy bleeding from his eyes and pore on an airliner.
ReplyDeleteI copied and shared the flu comments with others I know, and they all loved it. Thanks for the laugh of the day, you're a great writer.
ReplyDeleteHey M, here's one for you... I walk into the local shit & git in Kingsville ,Mo to pay for gas..two women behind the counter,one is busy with a customer.The other ,a very large and rather miserable looking woman is doing nothin..so its finally my turn to fork my 20$ over for gas when all of a sudden this lady who was doin nothin..well she actually turns and lets go a big narley,snotty ,disgusting sneeze all over the side of the plastic case that holds all the yummy gas station food.you know pizza,corndogs,eggrolls..I couldent fuckin believe it!! she dident even bat an eyelash as she wiped her hands on her jeans..man its gonna be a rough winter
ReplyDeletestock up on lawn and leaf bags. The upside, there are so many chemicals in a gas station corn dog, the Ebola virus couldn't survive on one.
ReplyDeleteMM, Did you happen to see this link?
ReplyDeletehttp://www.fox4kc.com/news/wghp-pg-faces-of-meth,0,4120602.photogallery
Faces of meth photo gallery. Before and afters. Some of these people weren't bad looking before meth got a hold of 'em.
Ever run into someone you knew years before, and they REALLY different? Scary sh*t maynerd.