Zhu Zhu is America's Godzilla.......

Zhu Zhu the fake hamster is apparently THE hot toy this xmas. I'm not sure what makes this fake hamster better than a real one, at least where kids are concerned, but kids are kind of odd nowadays anyway, so go figure. ***Disclaimer*** I don't mean your kids, I'm sure they are perfectly normal. Anyway, some consumer watchdog group came out with the annual panicky warning about how Zhu Zhu the fake hamster was dangerous, because it contained TIN!!!!!! Insert your own blood curdling scream here. Tin, since when did a little tin become a dangerous thing? Half of the toys I played with were made from tin, and most likely dipped in 24 carat lead paint, and I managed to survive. I'd like to suggest that there are far more dangerous things than a tin part or two stuffed up some fake hamsters ass. For example, just the fact that there is such a thing as a fake hamster, that it is named Zhu Zhu, and that kids are actually clamoring to get one of the fucking things. The consumer group has now issued a retraction, so Zhu Zhu is safe, technically, although it will probably turn your male children into ballerinas if you allow them to play with anything named Zhu Zhu. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

One summer I spent with my grandparents in Oklahoma, I had a Gopher for a pet. That's right, a Gopher. My Grandfather caught it in one of those live traps, and unbeknownst to him, I liberated the furry little fucker, and transferred it to an old birdcage. Let me just go on record and say that I was only 8 or so, and wrongly assumed that a gopher was just a wild cousin of the hamster. It's not, in fact it's not even close to a hamster, it ain't even in the same neighborhood as a hamster. For starters, gophers are mean as hell, and they have the teeth to back that shit up. My experience with gophers was limited to watching the 1960's era cartoon Go Go Gophers. The Go Go Gophers were Gophers, natch, but they were also Native American. They lived in Teepee's, wore Indian headdresses, and shot bow and arrows. No doubt that shit would not fly in todays politically correct, hyper sensitive atmosphere, but back in the day people were too busy worrying about the Russians turning us all in to a giant xray, and we just didn't have time to get offended over kids cartoons. Anyway, the gopher was a shitty pet, and after several attempts to tie a string around its neck like a leash so I could take it for a walk, I gave up and set the ungrateful prick free. I also once caught a baby bat and kept it in the same birdcage until my Gramps saw it and freaked out. But that's another story.


People wrongly believe that I don't like kids, even my girlfriend has made that very same accusation. Let me just say, I am hurt, wounded to the very core of my being, that someone so close to me would make such a hurtful accusation. I like kids, okay I tolerate kids, alright, kids kind of get on my nerves, but that doesn't mean I don't like em. I just don't understand them. If you take a pygmies picture with a Polaroid, they will freak the fuck out, think you just captured their soul, and will probably chop your head off and boil your ass in a big black kettle. It doesn't mean they don't like you, they just don't understand the concept of cameras. That sums up my feelings on kids, I just don't get kids today. I don't understand how any self respecting, booger picking boy, can play with a fake hamster named Zhu Zhu.

Last night I had an epiphany, it all became clear. I'm pretty sure that Zhu Zhu is made in China. Zhu Zhu is the Chinese equivalent of the Russians trying to turn us all in to x rays. How so MM? Well I'll tell you, How So. The Chinese are pretty close to owning us as it is. There are so many of them over there that I'm certain they are running out of room. First they try to kill us off by selling us food products that were chock full O cardboard. When that didn't work, they tried to turn our children in to morons by serving up toys swathed in lead based paint. We caught on to that shit after a few years, which is a good thing, because I think that shit was working. Now they are taking a new tact. Turn our male children in to pussies.

Think about it, you start out playing with cutesy little fur balls with funny sounding names, next thing you know we have an entire generation that is softer than medicated cotton. The Chinese can then do a couple of fly overs, air drop some rubber snakes and mice. The new generation will run away screaming, and the hordes of Chinese will swarm our coasts, taking over the country without so much as a shot being fired. So do your part, buy your kid a Tonka truck, or a toy gun, or at least a violence filled video game, but for the love of God and Country, do not buy your kid a Zhu Zhu. If you fail to heed my warning, don't blame me when you spend your golden years eating cardboard and watching your grown son prance around in tights while dancing the Nutcracker and quoting Mao.