How did Noah do crowd control on the ark?

I was sitting here perusing my hate mail, enjoying a magically delicious bowl of Lucky Charms, with bananas, because I'm health conscious like that, when out of nowhere a Golden Retriever scratched me across my grill. Blood and Lucky Charms don't really go too swell together, gives em a slightly coppery taste. I sat back in my custom fitted leather recliner, or as I like to call it, The M M Command Center, and I surveyed my surroundings. Three, count em, 3 dogs, one loud ass Cockatiel, and a mostly patient girlfriend, who at the time was singing off key because she was cleaning the house and listening to god knows what on her MP3. It dawned on me, I'm kind of like Noah, minus the big ass boat, the messages from God, and the advanced 800 or 900 years of earthly experience. Okay on second thought, I'm nothing like Noah, besides I've got issues with the whole Ark story anyway.
The bird,Oscar is shrieking,Gracie the Golden, is dragging Maggie the Maltese across the floor by her tail, Max the Yorkie is managing to bogart the entire foot rest on my recliner, and the girlfriend is doing her best American Idol rejects rendition of either Jay Z's 99 Problems, or Ava Maria, it's hard to tell.



I resist the urge to reach for the Medical Hippy Lettuce, I never bong and blog, besides I've got to be on my toes up in this joint or else one of you kind readers will point out some grammatical error or call me a douche bag and wish me death by guilt, or something. I'd go outside and do something productive, but I was out there earlier shoveling snowdrifts away from the mailbox and making a path for the Postman, and frankly it's too fucking cold and windy for planting tulips under the tundra.

Back to Noah. Lets just say for argument sake he managed to cram all these animals, from every continent on the planet, into his big ass Cannen Cruiseliner. How did he manage to get all of their minds right? I'm still trying to break the Maltese from licking the microfiber on the couch, I've got to drape a preventive sheet across the sofa or it will end up soaked in dog saliva.
The Golden, only a puppy, will shred any paper product she can get her teeth on, turning an envelop into micro scraps in under a minute, and the bird will not shut its fucking seed hole. Max for the most part is laid back, and only goes on pillow pissing sprees if left home. We buy new pillows like most people buy toilet paper. So I question Noah's sanity if he actually let G to the O to the D, talk him into such a hair brain scheme.


Yesterday the Golden got hold of my cellphone. I highly recommend UT Starcom cellphones, they can take a lickin, and a chewing, and still work. As evidenced by the dental impressions on my own. Look, there is no way, no how, that Noah could have controlled all of those animals. The dogs would have been chewing up his stone tablets, and birds don't look down before they drop an aerial stink pickle. All things considered, I'm going to have to call shenanigans on the 2 of every animal on the boat story. If you were looking for a resolution in this post, or some profound message, you are going to be disappointed. The bird is circling the dining room, and as you may recall, Max ate the head off of the remaining birds former cage mate.
I gotta go.