The condensed version goes like this. Witchy Woman was on probationary period, learning the proper way to cup a package, (no UPS), handle a wand, which should have been an easy one, and generally slow lines to a fucking crawl. She let the black cat out of the bag at some point, told people she was a wiccan, and that's when shit took a turn down hill. Long story short, it looks like the TSA supervisors were making her life hell after the officer training her reported that the witch put a spell on her car heater. I honestly don't know if this shit is all that funny considering the TSA worker who filed the original complaint and the retarded supervisors actually took it seriously. I'm thinking anyone stupid enough to believe in car heater hexes probably isn't smart enough to be entrusted with airport security when lives are on the line.
I don't know dick about Wiccans even though I dated a witch for a couple of years. I never saw her cast a spell, never witnessed any late night dancing with the devil, or any shenanigans that would indicate black magic, spell casting, or black cauldrons full of newt penis (no Gingrich), bat wings, or virgin blood. We never discussed it, probably because I never asked and she realized that I was a sarcastic prick who would mock her about her beliefs the first time we got in a scrap.
Odd religions, and aren't they all in some way or another, ain't really my bag. I've stated many times that I'm Agnostic and I plan to get religious as hell only when I think I'm getting close to cashing in my chips, just to be on the safe side. I'm not sure which religion I'll go with, but it will be one that believes in Hell and an afterlife, otherwise, what's the point. Right? What I do know is that some religious beliefs are best kept to yourself, lest you be mocked, ridiculed, villanized, or fired the first time someone has a malfunction with their cars heater.
As with all free world subjects, I derive much of my opinion from my criminal history, more to the point, from my time in the joint. Prison is a fucking fondue pot of religions. You name it, there is someone practicing it, or suing for the right to practice it, in the joint. Moorish Americans, sued more than a few prisons for their right to walk around in a Fez like they are Shriners, while calling all white folks European devils. More than a few Crackers are practicing some made up Nordic religion, which is basically just a reverse negative of the Moorish cats. In other words, these are a couple of made up religions, whose dogma is really just about hating on someone for their pigment, or lack there of.
The most absurd religion in prison is the Native American religion, even though I'm not sure they actually call it a religion per say. Now before you go all Geronimo on me, allow me to splain myself. I've got no problem with real Native Americans in or out of prison, who practice whatever their brand is called. That said, 3/4ths of the dudes in the joint who sit around in sweat lodges, beat drums, and have made up Indian names, are about as Indian as Jackie Chan. Unless there was some lost tribe of super pale, freckled, blonde or ginger Indians I never heard of, then prison is full of dudes who are full of shit where their religious beliefs are concerned. I recall the first time I ever saw a group of white Indians in prison. I like to refer to them as the Whothefuckarewee, because they are clearly having an identity crisis. Sort of like white guys who try to act black. A white dude in saggy pants, holding his crotch just looks like a white guy in saggy britches who needs to piss really bad. Same goes with these white indians in the slammer.
If there was ever a more ridunkulous sight than some skinny white cat, feather in his reddish blonde hair, maybe a wolf tattoo, a little leather pouch hanging around his white neck, then I don't know what could be more retarded. These naive-hoes, heh, were the object of much ridicule, clowning, and more Indian jokes than I've made in this post. My rational fair side said " these morons have the right to play Indian if they want to" while my prick side said " these tools deserve to be clowned for sitting in the middle of a prison yard playing a tom tom and chanting like the Indians on that old flick Blazing Saddles. One day you are sportin feathers in your hair in the prison yard, next day you are wearing a Winnie the Pooh suit washing some 300 pound black dudes socks in the toilet.
I know you are scratching your heads right now for several reasons, not the least of which is over my Winnie the Pooh suit remark. There aren't really people wearing bear suits in prison, it's just one of those slang prison terms that seems nonsensical to you square world types, but is actually genius. Winnie was a cuddly teddy bear, soft like that fabric softener bear. Thus wearing a Winnie the Pooh suit means you are getting nightly colonoscopies, only not from a doctor, and not with one of those cameras they normally use.
So, there's a point to all of this random shit I've been throwing at you, and it's this. Those non Indian Indians in the Prison yard should have just smuggled a couple of leg bones back from the chow hall on chicken night, tossed em under their bunk, and done their bongo drum and sweat lodge thing in the privacy of their cells, ideally in protective custody, safe from a life of sock washing and unspeakable violations. Just because you have an inalienable right to practice your religion of preference, it's wise to keep that shit to yourself if it's not mainstream. Likewise, our TSA witch should have kept that black cat in the bag concerning her beliefs. There never would have been allegations of Hexes and car heaters. She would still have her job. There are people who go out of their way to be martyrs. Some people who practice religious beliefs outside the norm, not all but more than a few, go out of their way to be all sensitive and shit while making sure everyone knows their religious beliefs . Having a PHD in human behavior, (not really), I get the sense that this witch lady is one of those martyr types. In order to be a martyr you first need to be identified as martyrdom material. So you announce your wacky beliefs to everyone who will listen, sit back and wait for the inevitable mocking and harassment.
I have nothing against other people's religions either. It's like their sexuality. As long as it isn't in my face, I don't care. Providing it doesn't involve minors or farm animals, anyway. But some people do seem to go out of their way to set themselves up as martyrs right from the get go. I suspect they have discovered a way to get attention and it's the only thing they feel is really interesting about their lives so they use that. Kind of sad and pathetic when you look at it really. In the prison you can get in all kinds of nuisance trouble searching the possessions of both the Wiccans and the Native Americans because they can always claim that you treated their religious articles with disrespect. I am one of the few officers on our camp that can get away with that because they know that I know enough about both and they can't B.S. me. I am enough Native American to qualify and close enough to a Wiccan to know better. I've been pulled all the way across the camp before to search a certain cell just to keep there from being any hassle. It's a pain in the butt, but if it keeps the crap to a minimum, I'm happy to oblige.
ReplyDeleteYou can bet your last dollar that the witch will sue and the ACLU will jump to her defense.
ReplyDeleteAnd your ex-girlfriend, if nothing else, was the creative type...lol
My chosen religion is just that-mine.
ReplyDeleteIf you ask, I'll tell you.
If you dont, I wont.
Its that simple folks.