Americas own lost tribe discovered in Arkansas

Arkansas has always gotten a bad rap. Mention Arkansas and someone will inevitably make an incest joke, I know at least a dozen myself. But that shit's just not right, so I've gone out of my way to not poke fun at our Ozarks neighbor. Arkansas produced a President, Tyson Chicken and Walmart. It's not like the people of Arkansas fit the Lil Abner, inbred, moonshine drinking, sibling sex having, hillbilly stereotype. Believe me there are days when I sit here, staring at a blank screen , struggling for something to write about, knowing I could easily find some news out of Arkansas, worthy of ridicule. But I've tried to avoid taking the cheap and easy shots. I've tried, I've really , really tried. Then along comes Mayor James Valley of Helena Arkansas.

Mayor James Valley of Helena Arkansas was faced with a dilemma a couple of weeks ago. The towns animal shelter was apparently in pretty rough shape. The town was keeping about 10 dogs in a makeshift shelter at the towns sanitation department. Some of the town folk were complaining that the shelter was inadequate, so the Mayor made an executive decision to resolve the problem. He fed and watered the strays, then had them turned loose in a National Forest that borders Helena. The Mayor said they were better off free.

This all took place about a week or 10 days back, I've been waiting patiently to see if news out of Helena would bring us reports of roving packs of coon hounds and curs terrorizing town folk. So far so good, I have yet to hear of anyone getting their face eaten or some blue haired granny being mauled, and I cant wait forever, so I'll work with what Ive got, and really I've got plenty.

Here is a snippet from a letter the Mayor sent out .

"In the mean time, we are or have released all but a few our those animals heretofore housed at the sanitation shop. We fed and watered them and took them to the St. Francis National Forest and released them to freedom. We are disassembling the pens or fences and will not any longer house or keep any of these animals. This problem is dogging us and taking away from our ability to focus on the greater good for the community as a whole. One of our animal control officers has been to the hospital three times in as many months. Twice for bites and once for a severally sprain ankle growing out of incidents with these animals."

Shit gets worse. Now would be a good time to mention that several of the dogs were Pitbulls. The townies must have found little comfort in knowing that the Mayor was looking out for the safety of his animal control officers, who had been treated for Dog Bites, twice in the last couple of months. Clearly the high cost of Ol Roy dog food and Water was prohibitive and a drain on the towns resources. Releasing them in to the wild, which apparently is right across the street from the town, allows the Mayor to focus on the greater good of the community, his words, not mine. The Mayor also said he would find some other shit for the animal control guys to do, other than controlling animals. Are you fuckin kiddin me?

So it is with heavy heart that I must lift my self imposed moratorium on Arkansas jokes. Mayor Valley is proof positive that there are at least pockets of backwoods cousin fuckers who have failed to progress with the times. This moron is so backwards he thinks a Blue tooth is a common local dental condition, brought on from years of inbreeding and paint sniffing. I am convinced that flying a plane over Helena Arkansas would result in a picture similar to the one recently taken of a lost tribe in the Amazon rain forest. Instead of little brown people in loincloths packing bow and arrow , there would be corncob pipe smoking , shotgun wielding hillbillies pointing in the air at the giant bird. Seriously, how fucking stupid do you have to be to turn stray Pitbulls loose, let alone turn them loose near a populated area ?

I won't even get in to the whole inhumane aspect of forcing domesticated animals to fend for themselves. Peta and the Humane Society are 6 feet up the guys ass over the whole hot debacle.

Me, I'm just finding comfort in knowing that some things remain constant. When you are drawing a blank for something to write about, when you need to ridicule and mock someone for shits and grins, there will always be retards like Mayor James Valley. There will always be Arkansas.

Would the last person leaving Helena Arkansas roll up the sidewalk and turn the lights out, please.

He Man Woman Hater's Club of Kansas

Sometimes it's the little things that really piss me off. The insignificant matter of a boy's high school basketball game and who is fit to referee it is the subject du jour, and the focus of my ire. Michelle Campbell, a somewhat mannish looking lady referee was all set to ref a boys B-ball game. The game was at St. Mary’s Academy, a private religious school about 25 miles northwest of Topeka, as reported on Kansas City.com . Before the game started, a school administrator approached Campbell’s referee partner, and told him a woman could not serve as referee. That would be putting a woman in a position of authority over boys, he was told , a scenario that was contrary to beliefs at St. Mary’s Academy. Women have been telling me what to do my entire life, unfortunately, I rarely listened to them, and I turned out to be one hot mess. In fact I am a cautionary tale when it comes to not listening to women. To his credit the male ref walked out on the game.

The school is owned and operated by the Society of St. Pius X. Apparently these misanthropes felt that the catholic church had become to liberal, due to some popes decree that mass should be read in the language of the parishioners rather than Latin. Let me say that again, the catholic church was too fast and loose for these clowns.

Are you kidding me? Seriously, who could accuse the catholic church of being to far to the left? Well these knuckle heads that's who. I am assuming this is just the tip of the iceberg, and soon even more early Roman Catholic traditions will be re instituted. What's next ? Maybe they will start rounding up the locals who don't adhere to their dogma and have their own version of the Spanish inquisition.

Apparently st. Mary's is molding their young men to believe that anyone sporting a Va Jay Jay is beneath them. But they have female teachers, I'm assuming these boys mothers tell them what to do as well, so whats the real reason? Well, I have my own theory. I could be completely off base, and I have zero facts to bolster any of this, so lets call it an unsubstantiated gut feeling on my part. I think it's a clear cut case of anti lesbian discrimination. I have no idea if Michelle Campbell is a lesbian, but she definitely looks a little butch to me. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

I like lesbians, and if I was a woman, Id be a lesbian. So Ms. Campbell, if you read this, my inferrance about your sexual proclivities, accurate or not, are in no way meant in a derogatory way. I'm just saying, you look a little butch. And if a liberal, forward thinking fan of Sappho's such as myself thinks you are taking float trips down Lake Lick-a Snatchee, then its easy to assume that Friar Tuck who cock blocked you from reffing the B-ball game thinks likewise.

In closing I think that women should be outraged, regardless of their sexual orientation. I am calling upon all women to rise up as one and smote these knuckle dragging, mohair robe wearing , douche bags. There should be a million uterus march on the campus of this bastion of misogyny.