Funny the things that will jar the memory, bring it all rushing back in a moment. I made a pick up for work last week and had one of those moments. I was at a local home for boys a week ago Saturday. It was pouring rain in buckets when I pulled up in front of one of several large old brick buildings. The kids were just coming back from supper, a fairly even mix of white and black, ages ranging from about 8 to 13. Three 20 something staff members charged with their care, looking bored, going through the paces, putting in time of their own. I had to ring a bell to get in, the rain was creeping down the back of my neck, no hair on my head to slow it down. I'm thinking to myself "this job sucks". I wasn't thinking, "This place is familiar, been here done this". When the staff member let me in, practically a kid himself, young black guy in dreads, I stepped into the entryway my only thought was this is my last stop of the day. Then it hit me. The smell. All institutions that house people have "The Smell". I can't really describe it, a scent is a hard thing to put in words. Best I can explain it is to say that the smell of these places, boys homes, prisons, mental institutions, they all have this smell. Decades of sweat, shit, piss, old paint, industrial cleaners. Al Pacino as Tony Roma delivers a line in Glengarry Glen Ross "All train compartments smell vaguely of shit. It gets so you don't mind it. That's the worst thing that I can confess. You know how long it took me to get there? A long time." That pretty much sums it up. You enter the institutional life at an early age and your senses are assaulted with that smell. After 5 or ten years it gets so you hardly notice it. You give up, you resign yourself to a particular thing. This is your life and there's nothing you can do but try to get through the moment.
That's how it starts. You grow accustomed to it all. You give in and up. That's how you get through it, you stop giving a damn.
I'm standing in the hallway, and all I want is to pick up the package and get out of there. But the package is locked up in another building across the campus, so I wait while one of the bored staff members goes to get it. The entryway is an institutional yellow. Not a bright sunny Martha Stewart Living yellow. More of a brownish yellow, like bile more so than daisies.
Then the sounds give my senses another wake up. The two remaining staffers are bitching at the kids, about a dozen of them total. They are going on about how this chore wasn't done right and there won't be any TV time until it is. A few of the boys are popping off, nothing like a little defiance to get you through the day to day same sameness. I can tell the staffers are holding back, on their best behavior because there is someone else in the building, an outsider, in this case me. The guy who went to get the package comes through the door, soaking wet, slightly pissed, he hands me the package, mumbles something I don't understand. I can't get out of there fast enough, away from the smell, the past. As I turn to leave, a black kid all of 8 or 9, asks me where I'm going. I tell him I'm taking the package to a hospital. He asks if he can go with me. I tell him " Man, you don't want to go there". He looks up at me, all brown face and almond eyes as I move past him. Maybe I'm just getting sentimental as I get older, or maybe I am just reading too much into a nothing moment, but he gives me a look. That look says, "I'd rather be anywhere than here old man".
" All train compartments smell vaguely of shit. It gets so you don't mind it. That's the worst thing that I can confess. You know how long it took me to get there? A long time."
The more things change the more they stay the same. In 1972 I started the Juvenile Delinquent circuit, Highview, McCune, group homes, halfway houses, a short stint in Western Missouri Mental health Center, and the cherry on the shit sundae, Missouri State Training School for Boys, or Boonville for short. By the time I hit prison I was like Ricky Roma, it got so I didn't mind. That's the worst thing I have to confess.
This all took place 9 days ago and I can't stop thinking about that kid, that look, those 5 words. "Can I go with you". The entire incident lasted maybe 10 minutes, but I can't shake it. Maybe I'm just prejudiced by my own history, but I didn't see any signs that the institutional methods of dealing with these troubled kids had changed much over the past 30 or 40 years. House em, keep em busy, move em around like cattle from one place to the next, each one a little worse than the one before. When they reach a certain age you turn them out into the world, worse off than when they left it. If you ask me what the better solution is I'd be at a loss for an answer. But I can tell you the answer to how it will end. If you have been reading me for any time, you already know the answer, how it turns out. And I'm one of the success stories. I finally woke up after 30 years. Ain't that a bitch.
Maybe you've mentioned this before but what finally worked for you? Was it just fate that you'd figure it out in 30 years or was there an incident that "woke" you up? I guess I'm wondering, ultimately, what we can do besides "House em, keep em busy, move em around like cattle..." and hope for the best?
ReplyDeleteI used to work at WMMHC. A few days before we were to be off on holliday, a kid asked me if he could come to my house for Christmas. One of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life was tell him no. I saw some stuff in that place that would make you laugh, and I saw some stuff in that place that would make you cry.
ReplyDeleteI had to take one down to the Hive last night. Actually, two of them. Just as soon as I walked in the door the smell and the sounds hit me like a sudden case of the runs. I've been racking my brains and can't come up with another solution either. All we can do is just keep on. That's really all any of us can do.
ReplyDeleteHeartbreaking, MM. Best blogger in KC!
ReplyDeleteWow.
ReplyDeleteGood post MM!
ReplyDeleteGeneral
ReplyDeletethey wore me down to the bone. I just couldn't do another stretch. Nothing fancy on their part. Or my own.
MM, coffee is for closers. You closed this one.
ReplyDeleteOnce again this is written as well as the first chapter in a best selling novel. We've just met the main characters, the delivery man, the boy who asked to leave with him.
ReplyDeleteI wonder what Stephen King would do with this.
(Not to diminish your personal experience, I just can't help but think your novel is still inside you)
Well put MM, very well put. Thanks for makin' me cry on my lunch break at work.
ReplyDeleteI'm with KMP. I wish there was something I could do.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was a kid it was always the smell of burnt milk and cream of wheat. Once you smelled burned milk for a year you can't forget that smell.
ReplyDeleteWhen you paint pictures with your words, is when you're at your best. Good stuff.
ReplyDelete- Wally
Wow you must be a god or something
ReplyDeleteWhen you wrote of the older boys lecturing the youngers ones about not doing their chores correctly, it got me to thinking about when you place anyone in a power position it will go to their heads eventually and they will use it to their advantage - whether it be prison guards or young men overseeing their young charges in a group home. Sad.
ReplyDeletewow.
ReplyDeletetremendous writing.
great insights.
so sad.
and yet we expect these kids to "be alright". We think they'll do okay. You know, because "everyone knows right or wrong", right?
And anonymous on Friday, July 30 is an asshole.
thanks for the entry.
Mo Rage
oh, and here's what we do, as a country: stop feeding all over goddamned money into the military/industrial complex ($711B/yr) and pour much of that into our schools. that and we start giving a shit. this country talks the talk but it's all bullshit. we don't give a damn about kids in this country, to a large extent.
ReplyDeletethat would be a great start.
Mo Rage
and Steven King? Really?
ReplyDeletea touching entry about a kid who needs help and wants a way out into some freaking scary movie?
no, thank you.
Mo Rage
For pflOw, thanks, really, thanks. Takes one to.. of darn I am so naughty...
ReplyDeleteMM- Thanks for sticking with this. I have never read anything of yours that sucked. That's not damning with faint praise- it's tough not to write a real stinker every now and then. And if you're going for averages, this entry is the base-clearing homer that will keep the numbers up. As for answers- here's one: how about we tax the hell out of every adoption fee paid by Americans for some kid from Russia, or China, or Africa, and on the flip side, use that money to provide real incentives to adopt kids here? All these people spending tens of thousands of dollars to 'save' kids in other countries is bullshit. We have plenty to save here.
ReplyDeleteAnd MO Rage- what liberal crap. I'll take the military-industrial complex over the educational complex any day. The military has proven itself quite adept at doing what we expect it to do: break things and kill people. I've yet to see our public educational system prove itself competent at doing what it's supposed to do (especially in urban and poor areas)- which is churn out educated kids ready for the challenges of the world.
Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteyou're welcome. Naturally.
Mo Rage
Anonymous;
ReplyDeleteWhat Right-wing, Conservative crap. Our educational system has issues and problems, sure, but it still cranks out a hell of a lot of great, smart, talented, educated kids. If we didn't expect teachers to make all of them perfect and if we didn't, additionally, have racist "white flight" and ridiculous urban sprawl so all the bleached whities could run out of the city to 175th street, away from people of color where they can take their money and kids, maybe we'd have an even better school system. But no, we wanna be racist asshats instead and take everything we have away from everyone else. It's a bit simplistic, but there is a great deal of truth to this, too. We declared racism and "separate but equal" illegal a long time ago--on the books. Officially. But not in practice. Oh, and we also expect teachers to educate ALL people to the same standards--which is insane--so we put "mentally challenged" people (what we formerly called "retarded" or whatever) in the same room with everyone else, then we came up with this nonsense "No Child Left Behind" which said all the kids have to be perfect and reach 100% achievement levels (good luck with that) AND THEN DIDN'T FUND THE DAMN THING.
If you can be a better, more successful teacher in that environment, with those rules, then you should definitely quit your job and be a teacher.
And $711 billion a year for war? That's freaking retarded. That's ignorant.
Mo Rage
and that's great logic, too--since we "break things and kill people" so well, let's stick with it.
ReplyDeletebrilliant. really. brilliant.
spoken like a true neanderthal.
Mo Rage
mo rage-
ReplyDeleteYeah, I love your logic, which is the typical liberal whine of "it's fault of the white/rich/corporate/Republicans/anybody-we-can-think-of-who's-not voting-lock-step-with-the-left-edge." No personal responsibility required. Just give more money to government to fix the problem. The federal government has managed to screw the pooch on virtually everything it's tried to "fix." It should do far fewer things than it does. National defense, the roads (and other interstate transportation), regulation to ensure fair business dealings, and dealing with foreign entities tops my list. Education should NOT be one of those things. As you aptly point out, NCLB is destined to be a dismal failure and will lead to less inspired kids and more frustrated teachers. I'd agree the same goes for the "inclusion" theory. (But wait- I thought you were against separate but equal? Are 'retarded' not equal? Your conservative slip is showing under your liberal dress.)
My mother and aunt were both teachers- public schools but non-union. One taught for 40+ years- up through early 80's. She managed to churn out decently educated kids with class sizes of 25-30. The other was a special-ed teacher. I knew long ago I did not have the patience or passion to be a teacher- so no thanks on the offer to try and teach in what are literally combat conditions in some inner city schools. And if you think the education system is doing it's job- check the drop out rates.
As for "$711 billion for what?" I guess mainly to keep your ass safe and comfortable at the keyboard and protect your right to say whatever stupid shit you want. (And for me to say whatever stupid shit I want.) If you want to go down the "waste" path, lets include all the government boondoggles out there. If wanting my country defended against all enemies foreign and domestic makes me a neanderthal, I'll wear the label proudly. I'll also note that a sense of humor must have been evolved out of your particular species. Although your ability to toss around epithets is superb.
Anonymous, (whoever that is)
ReplyDeleteI didn't once say "give more money to government." Reducing what we give to the DoD would, in fact, reduce the amount of money we give to government.
But you aren't interested in facts or what I'm really saying, regardless. What's important to you is pigeonholing the left into a neat, however untrue, package you believe and understand.
I am against "separate but equal", naturally--of course. But special education students, or whatever we want to call them now, really do operate in their own sphere and can't be expected to keep up with "normal", for lack of a better word, and other, brighter kids.
Check out what America spends on Defense, Anonymous. We outspend the entire planet. If you think that makes sense, it escapes me--and most of the rest of us. "keeping my ass safe" is nonsense--we waste gross amounts of that $711b per year. As for the government "boondoggles", I don't know how or why you would come to the conclusion I would or do support them--I don't--and think they should go, too, naturally. We can start with the obvious ones.
and yes, finally, the sense of humor did, in fact, evolve out of my/our species. If and when and where it exists in the world, it's because it came from "us". Thanks for noticing.
mr
MoRage-
ReplyDeleteTo start at the end, very cute parry/riposte on "evolved out of." I will grant that many of the most hilarious ideas I have ever heard have come from liberals, so your species has made that contribution to humor.
Leaving aside Mark Twain's caution on lies, damn lies, and statistics here are some number for you. First of all, we do not outspend the entire planet. Let's cite a source your left-leaning heart will love,the Stockholm International Peace Research Institute: "(USA) military expenditure now accounts for just under half of the world total, at 46.5% of the world total..." My public school education tells me that spending under 50% of something can't be more than everybody else together spends. But total amounts are meaningless- let's go to the GDP comparisons: CIA World Fact Book has USA at 4.06 % of GDP, ranking at number 25. Now, over at a site my right-leaning heart loves, Heritage.org, their GDP stats rank USA at number 8 in the world but puts that 4% in context: " Throughout the 1960s the U.S. spent almost 9% of GDP on defense and even during President Ronald Reagan’s defense build up, military spending topped out at 6%. Considering that the U.S. is actively fighting two wars, if anything this amount is too low."
By the way, Education spending? USA: 5.3% on CIA fact book, 5.7% on nationmaster.
The separate but equal jibe apparently hit a nerve. I even agreed with your position that mainstreaming was a bad idea but you took offense. You don't seem to get that the argument you (and I) are making for exclusion relies solely upon deciding which group is not 'normal' or 'bright.' Ludicrous to say that about any ethnic or racial group today but it was easily enough said 200 years ago even by those with good hearts.
I am no more guilty of pigeonholing the left than you are of pigeonholing the right, and interesting how your arguments turn ad hominem so quickly.
Which leads finally to the beginning. I am anonymous. It makes no difference who I am- only that my points are made.
I knew there was a reason I liked to lurk here and read your stuff. Similar history ~ different locations.
ReplyDeleteI don't know about Misery but a long stretch in Texas will wear you down to a nub and make you examine your inner motivations. If you can find the bottom and then survive, everything else is an improvement.
I hear you, MM...been there, done that.
ReplyDeleteBoonville...I know we talked bout this onece an yer a tad younger than me, but you ever run across a gravitationally-enhanced individual named Gary K.?
Idle curiousity, a name from my days in a Missouri "Boys Home", aka Gladiator Academy.
Keep writing, Homer...you beat hell out of most a these so-called professionals.
Dan / Chicago
Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteIn response to your claim that the US does "not outspend the entire planet" on defense:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_military_expenditures
$663b per year by the US. No. 2 is a very distant China at 9.8b.
And I didn't "pigeonhole the right" because I made no grand, sweeping statements evaluating and defining the Right. I only spoke of you and your claims, separately, distinctly and individually. You, on the other hand, "pigeonholed the left" with your comment "Yeah, I love your logic, which is the typical liberal whine of "it's fault of the white/rich/corporate/Republicans/anybody-we-can-think-of-who's-not voting-lock-step-with-the-left-edge."
'nuff said.
mr
MoRage- Wikipedia? Really? They won't even let middle school kids cite that as a source. It's a great place to start your research but it is NOT citation worthy. But I guess once you found the single fact you needed you were happy and able to ignore the other less convenient facts. You challenged me to check out spending. I did- multiple sources with various ideological leanings. And you pooh-pooh me with WIKIPEDIA?
ReplyDeleteYou truly do have a sense of humor, no matter how unintended.
Though you correctly point out that you've limited your disparaging comments to me, using the ad hominem tactic so dearly loved by those incapable of logical argument, I have no doubt you have neatly pigeonholed the conservative right in your thinking. Denials and obfuscation will not change that opinion.
MM: apologies for getting sidetracked into this political tit-for-tat with MoRage on what should have been more props for your excellent post.
Still Anonymous